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Sunday, August 7, 2011

Why is this Cat Laughing?





Who said cats don't have a sense of humour?

In many ways a cat is the ideal low-maintenance pet. This cat in our picture evidently has a great sense of humour when it sees something funny. Its owner has been told that he has to give pills to its mother. It is so amused because it has been watching the show. Here’s how to give a pill to a cat:

Pick up the cat and gently cradle it in your arms as you would a baby.
Position your right forefinger and thumb on either side of the cat’s mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding the pill in the other hand. As the cat opens its mouth insert the pill. Allow the cat to close its mouth and swallow. Simple!
Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
Retrieve cat from bedroom and throw away soggy pill.
Take new pill, cradle cat in left arm and firmly hold rear paws in right hand. Get someone else to help. Force open jaws and push pill to back of mouth with forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from wardrobe. Employ additional manpower. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between your knees, holding both front and rear paws. Ignore low growls from cat and have helpers vigoursly get the damn pill down the friggin cat’s throat.
Apply iodine to scratches to your balls and retrieve cat from curtain rail.
Put pill in one end of a drinking straw, force mouth open of cat and blow hard on the straw. Check label on pillbox to make sure that pills are not harmful to humans, and have a beer to remove awful taste of pill. Apply band aids to spouses’ arms and remove bloodstains from carpet with cold soapy water.
Find cat and remove from neighbour’s shed. Get another pill, and another beer. Place cat’s head between door and doorjamb. Gently close door leaving cat’s head exposed. Open cat’s mouth with a dessertspoon and flick pill into cat’s mouth with an elastic band.
Get screwdriver from garage and put door back on its hinges. Drink beer and open bottle of scotch. Drink heartily. Apply cold compress to cheek and check date of last tetanus shot. Have another beer, throw away tee-shirt and get another from bedroom.
Call fire department to retrieve the damned cat from the electrical pole from across the street. Apologize to neighbour who crashed into hedge while avoiding the cat. Take the very last pill from packet.
Use your heavy-duty pruning gloves for roses and tape the bloody cat to the leg of the dining room table. Take a piece of cooked steak and shove that in mouth of cat with pill alongside it. Be quite rough about it. Pour two pints of water down throat of cat. Have wife take you to the Emergency Department and drink remainder of scotch on the way there. Sit quietly while doctors suture gashes to your fingers and arms. Stop on the way home to order new dining room table.
Have SPCA come to take away goddamned mutant cat.

In the event the vet says that failure to give cat pills will result in cat’s death, consult the very popular book, “How to arrange for a cat funeral.”

And that is why the above cat is having such a good laugh.
How to give your dog a pill: Wrap it in any kind of meat handy and flip it in the air. Case Closed!





Many thanks to whomever put this together for the internet.





Copyright © 2011 Eugene Carmichael