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Sunday, August 10, 2008

Communicating- Part Three


Between Men & Women


Why do men insist on reading while sitting on the WC?
Because that’s the only place we get the peace and quiet to read to our heart’s content. Some men aren’t even subtle. They have installed a magazine rack in the bathroom. Were it not for reading in the toilet, perhaps we wouldn’t read at all.

Now, having dealt with that great mystery, we move on to look closely at the great divide between how men and women see things so differently.

Fundamentally, men do not do subtle. Ladies, if you want us to know something, just tell us straight out. If you want us to do something, tell us plain and simple. Please don’t hint. If we are driving and you want to stop for coffee, just say so. If you ask me whether I want one I just might say no and keep on driving.

Men are creatures designed to cut to the chase. We understand solutions, but we don’t particularly understand feelings about things. We have enough of a problem understanding this thing called love. About the worst trap you can place us in is the question about how you look in a dress. Most men get that one wrong, and that is usually just as you’re about to go out for the evening.

So! Men, here’s how to handle such questions. You might want to jot this lifesaver down for future use. No matter how she puts the question the answer is : Honey, that dress looks really good on you.” Not, and I repeat NOT: “ Honey, you look good in that dress.” One thing says that she makes the dress look good; the other says that the dress makes her look good. See the difference?

That comes directly from the wisdom of my lady, and she knows semantics. Trust her!

The essential difference between men and women seems to be that men give and want information, and women give and want feelings. One of the worst case scenarios happens in the bedroom. He wants to know whether they are going to get an action going, and she says maybe. Well, we don’t do maybe. We have no idea what to do with maybe.

One of my golden rules is that I never argue with a lady. The man has not been born yet who actually won an argument with a lady. One of their techniques is to bring up things that we have no chance of remembering. Anyway, the two of you will be speaking in different tongues and possibly very heatedly and emotionally, so, advantage goes to the ladies. Even if you do manage to pin her down and back her into a corner where she runs out of firepower she will always have one piece of backup ammunition in reserve, and it is this: She can always say, “Well, whatever!” In women speak, that means, “ Mister, you’re dead meat. Don’t ever speak to me again.” So, you see, you can’t win. It’s preordained that way.

I’m not saying that you can’t put your point of view forward, just don’t rely on convincing her that you’re right, especially if you’re wrong. It will be quite enough to state your case and then leave it with her.

There are some situations that leave a man completely dazed A friend’s wife had been through difficult surgery and was worried about possible scarring. He urged her not to worry as she had the option of plastic surgery. She suddenly turned on him angrily saying it was too bad that he would be upset by the way she looked. He was only trying to be helpful but somehow she saw his response in a very different light. How on earth do we cope with that?

Dr. John Gray, writing in “Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus” deals with one of the most obvious, and perhaps most vexing problems in inter- gender relations. When she sees his mood darken she will ask, “What’s the matter?” He will invariably answer, “Nothing!” Clearly there is something quite wrong, and she wants to be a help. But he gives her a response that makes her feel stupid and insulted, and so the problem escalates.

The way that Dr. Gray puts it is that we men take our problems into our caves to deal with them alone. When we respond that nothing is wrong, what we are saying in fact is that there is nothing that I wish your help with. I have personally struggled with this, in that it even sounds dopey to me as I say there’s nothing wrong. After all, I know that there’s plenty wrong

Unfortunately it’s not as simple as explaining that I would like to have some space and time to think things through.. Most women will be convinced that they can genuinely help and are likely to press you to open up. His reaction will be “Go away!” So, my advice is to leave him with it until he is ready to talk about it, and he will. Just give him time to think things through. If you’re the source of his problem he needs time to think how best to raise the issue with you.

I will continue with this thread in my next instalment.


Copyright © 2008 Eugene Carmichael