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Sunday, January 6, 2008

Men who Hit. Why?












If you are a person who beats your wife, inflicting upon her bruising, swelling, cuts and even broken bones, can you reasonably expect the public to embrace you with respect and honour, and to sympathise with you, no matter what was your motivation or provocation?

So, you’re an abuser. You beat your wife and children and the dog on a regular basis. You’re one angry dude, that much is apparent, but why? You must know that is not considered normal behaviour. You must know that when the truth becomes known among your circle you are despised and ostracized by men and women alike.

Often, after an incident you apologise and ask for forgiveness, so you know it’s wrong, yet you continue on with a sustained campaign of terror that is second to none. No-one other than you knows what you get out of it, and only you know how cold your heart can be to inflict such pain and suffering on the very people you are supposed to love and protect. What drives you? Where does the hate come from, and just as important what sustains it? Are you an abnormal monster?

Do you really believe that by smashing your wife’s face in that you are being a man? I certainly hope not! No man has ever gained in stature and popularity by beating up women and children.

This column cannot, and it will never condone such wilful and bestial behaviour. Perhaps if we can understand the forces at work that push you to do the things that you do, help can be sought to bring peace to you and your family. For instance, I have talked to someone like you. In this case the man volunteered that he and his wife were sick and in need of serious counselling.

Case history No. 1
Violence for Sex

A neighbour of a couple who fought regularly brought them to my attention. The neighbour was so affected by their behaviour that he sought counselling for himself and his own family. I was introduced to the couple and they received me most graciously. We had a normal-type interview and they were not reluctant to discuss the situation, although both insisted that their private lives were in reality nobody’s business.

They had been married for just over twenty-five years but they did not have any children. They had found that they would go through what they described as “dry patches” in their marriage when they had nothing to say to each other, and life was boring in the extreme. Early in their marriage when they were going through such a period one person upset the other and a bit of pushing and shoving took place, but afterwards, they made up by making love. The love-making was exciting, not the boring auto-pilot stuff. Since then, when they feel the need to spice things up either one will push the other’s buttons and things get a little rowdy. They live for the part that follows.

The police have given up on them. He has been taken off to prison so many times, and she always comes after him. She never presses charges, no matter how badly beat up she is because half the time she started it and wanted it. The social services, the police, and the neighbours all agree that one day it will go too far and one of them will not rise to fight again. When I put this point to them, surprisingly, they acknowledged that most likely it will happen. And then he said this: “I love my wife unlike I could ever love another, and if that day should come when I strike her too hard, I will follow her to the grave, there and then.” She said, “the same goes for me.”

This is a case of extreme violence in the home where things get broken; the combatants get bruised and battered, the neighbours are distraught and everybody else is frustrated. Although the violence is there, and this guy is like you in that he does hit, perhaps his motivation is different.

Seemingly there is a mean element that is present in your motivation that is missing in theirs. I want to hear your story. I want to know your background, and I want to know whether you are truly troubled by the results of your behaviour.

There is even an incentive in stopping the violence that is in your own interest. Every day you grow older, and the time will probably come when you will desperately need the very people whom you treat so brutally. Remember also, what goes around, comes around. That is otherwise known as Karma.

Send me an e-mail at eugene.spain@gmail.com and let us discuss it. I will know your identity from the e-mail address, but I will not disclose that information to another soul.



Copyright © 2007 Eugene Carmichael