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Sunday, June 29, 2008

Nice Guys – Bad Guys










In response to a previous column entitled “Are You a Nice Guy?” a reader sent me a very interesting question: “Why are women more drawn to the Bad Guy?”

Well, we are generalizing, something I dislike because generally, to generalize is just plain wrong. However, our life’s choices are at the root of all. Depending on the choice of mate that we make we are headed in the direction of happiness or sorrow. I can see so many examples of disastrous consequences based on bad choices that I hardly know where to start.

So, let’s start with the question “Why should I care if other people make bad choices?” The answer is that when others around me make damaging choices it somehow comes to involve me through the collapse of friends and family relations, violence in the home and the impact of that on neighbours, and appeals to those of us known as The Public for sympathy and support.

This business of choice is primarily a woman thing. We men think that we chase you and we have a conquest when we catch you, but the truth is that we chase you until you catch us.

One of the most dramatic examples of bad choice I have ever known was that of the lady who grew up in a small town and eventually married one of its leading citizens. She had what appeared to be an ideal life, but without any real provocation, except boredom she gave it all up. She moved away from her town and eventually became involved with a married man who lived with his wife. He treated this lady like a doormat, and he quite regularly beat her.

Those of us who formed her circle of friends never understood why she left her husband in the first place. She always spoke highly of him, the perfect gentleman who respected and loved her dearly. She broke the poor man’s heart and disgraced him in the eyes of the town.

We certainly never understood why she maintained her affair with her bad boy lover. We tried to persuade her to give him up, but the worse he treated her the more determined she was to stay. I once asked him why he treated her so badly. His reply was, “she likes it!”

Many young women are attracted to hardened criminals. They seem to find some sort of status if their man is serving time, and while he is away in prison they will be absolutely loyal to him. One reason being that if they are not, when he is released they will be in for some serious pain.

For men who properly respect women this is completely baffling. If you’re a nice guy you will surely have any number of stories of lost loves to the Bad Boys. Here you are, properly courting the girl you love, doing nice things for her, treating her like a lady when up comes a bad boy who has no respect for your relationship with her, and no respect for her or anything else, and she goes soft in the knees and in the head for him. She is last seen riding off on the back of his Big Bike clinging to him with that peculiar look of rapture on her face.

What seems to be at work here? Psychologists might say that the man who presents no challenge and is too easy also presents no chemistry. Sure, on a pure human-to-human level proper respect and conduct is appreciated, but in the love stakes nice guys really do finish last far too often.

What a horrible realization is that! What a topsy-turvy world we live in. This does not augur well toward the objective of eliminating violence in the home. So many times we will hear the woman say I really did try to make it work. I did everything by the book, so how can I be blamed? Well, the answer my dear is you chose the cretin in the first place.
He was probably one of those your mother warned you about, and when you brought him home she pulled her hair out.

Nice guys are not all simply victims. Guys have choices too, only not the final choice. The woman makes the final choice, but in both sexes we seem not to value that which is too easily attainable. To have a partner who does not provide us with a challenge seems to devalue that person. We tend to take that person for granted and as our own behaviour becomes cavalier our partner has to work harder, and the whole awful circle is completed.

This is certainly not good news, and I, for one do not have the solution to this quirk in the human condition.

Copyright © 2008 Eugene Carmichael

Sunday, June 22, 2008

MEN FOR SALE









First I came upon the above picture, and I vowed that I would have to write a story to suit the picture. Then, a friend sent me one of those stories that have been forwarded around the world several times. It fits my picture, and just in case you are one of those people who have not had it show up on your computer, here goes:

In our busy society we are finding it more difficult to take the time necessary to find a mate, so we use on-line dating services of all sorts. Well, of course, it had to happen sooner or later that someone would come up with a supermarket that sold potential husbands.

There were strict instructions posted at the entrance:
1. You may visit this store only once. There are six floors, and the value of the merchandise increases as the shopper goes up.
2. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next level, but you may not go back down, except to exit the store.

So, because she was so busy, Sheila went shopping for a husband. She checked out the merchandise on the first floor.

These men have jobs.
She went up to the next floor.

Second Floor: These men have jobs and love children.
And on she went to the next.

Third Floor: These men have jobs, love children, and are very good looking.
She kept going.

Fourth Floor: These men have jobs; love children, are seriously good looking, and help with housework.
She hesitated, but continued on up.

Fifth Floor: These men have jobs, love children, are real hunks, help with housework and are strongly romantic and caring.
What is she looking for? You would think it must surely be on this floor. She considers, but then she just has to see what’s on the next floor.

Sixth Floor: There are no men for sale on this floor. It only exists to prove the point that women are never satisfied. The store is yet to sell it first take-home husband.

To be politically correct, the owners also opened a store across the street where men could shop for a wife. Same rules apply.

First floor: All the wives on this floor just love to have sex.
Second floor: These wives love sex, and as well are all independently wealthy.
Floors Three through Six have never been visited.

Men are so simple and uncomplicated.

I offer my thanks to the creator of this funny story. I liked it a lot and hope you got a laugh as well, although some things that are funny are also too true.

Copyright © 2008 Eugene Carmichael

Sunday, June 15, 2008

The End of the World - Part Two




In part one of this thread, I tried to sketch a possible logical domino effect that would arise from a shortage of oil in the market, or oil that simply cost too much. I wrote that the problem would spread right throughout the economy, and gave as an example how the farmer would be hampered in raising livestock or growing produce, and what little was sent to market would cost so much that the average person would be shut out.

I also wrote of the impact on jobs and the ability to earn a living and pay the mortgage. This would bring ordinary people in conflict with one another, people who normally can be counted on to live in peace and harmony.

Well, it has started. The long gas lines are back; transportation sector workers, who are in many cases independent contractors with one or two trucks, are now feeling the pinch as they see the cost of fuel escalating and their disposable income disappearing. The truckers are on strike with ugly scenes appearing daily on the evening news.

Here in Spain, where I live, transportation of goods by road has all but come to a halt, and that includes the delivery of petrol. As I write this, several gas stations have shut down, the supermarkets have no meat of any kind, and all other consumables are fast running out.

Two people have been killed as a direct result of the conflicts on the road, and a third driver was burnt over 95% of his body while he slept in his truck. He was a strikebreaker. He is not expected to survive. Now, fuel is being delivered again by armed police escort and in convoy.

The fishermen have come into the protest refusing to sell their fish, instead they are throwing them into the street, as are many farmers who are dumping produce rather than sell it for the low profit, or no profit that sales would represent. Taxi drivers are protesting as well they might be expected to do.

What comes next: Food fights; food riots; hunger; theft of fuel and food; unemployment; homelessness; mortgage repossessions; the army on the streets, and more?


The good news is that as I write this things have returned to normal as the security forces have brought things under control. However, the root cause of the problem goes unaddressed.



Where and when did this all begin? Certainly the answer to that question will be highly debatable and complex, but I’m fairly sure that one key element was the very unwise decision for the United States of America to engage in an unnecessary war with Iraq.

I’m aware that is a controversial thing to say. However, that could not have been helpful at all. One direct impact was to weaken the dollar overseas, and that may have encouraged OPEC members to directly seek to increase the value of their product to compensate for the exchange losses suffered because oil is quoted in US dollars.

The fact remains that within a two-year period oil has gone from $35.00 a barrel to $139.00 a barrel. You don’t have to be an economist to know that such a development means big problems throughout the world. While consumers may take to the streets by the millions, the only useful thing that we can do is reduce significantly our demand. Start by asking yourself before setting off in the car, “is this trip really necessary? Can I achieve the same end by fax or e-mail or telephone?”

We did exactly that for the few days of uncertainty when petrol stations ran out of fuel. We also better organised our trips so as to optimise our fuel usage. It would be a really good thing, both for the environment and for our own economic health to make that a part of our daily routine.

Copyright © 2008 Eugene Carmichael

Sunday, June 8, 2008

The Maturing of America










Dr. Martin Luther King, jr had a Dream

The following excerpts are taken from the world famous speech of Dr. Martin Luther King, jr, as delivered in 1963. It is by courtesy of The Douglas Archives of American Public Address, prepared by D. Oetting.(Access full speech at http://douglass.speech.nwu.edu)

I have a dream that one day this nation will rise up and live out the true meaning of its creed: “We hold these truths to be self-evident that all men are created equal.”

“I have a dream that one day my four little children will live in a nation where they will not be judged by the colour of their skin but by the content of their character.”

“Let freedom ring. And when this happens, and when we allow freedom to ring- when we let it ring from every village and every hamlet, from every state and every city, we will be able to speed up that day when all of God’s children-black men and white men, Jews and Gentiles, Protestants and Catholics-will be able to join hands and sing in the words of the old Negro spiritual: Free at last! Free at last! Thank God Almighty we are free at last!

Hillary, Obama, or John, are all would-be Presidents of the United States of America. Whoever wins in November, America itself has already won in the Court of Public Opinion around the world. America appears to have grown up and is trying to fulfill its promise that anyone can aspire to become president.

These are historic times. I remember the days of protest for equal rights. I remember the days when women in America stood up and declared, “ no more! We will no longer accept second class citizen status.” For black people the journey has been both exceedingly long and dramatic. Beginning from the days of slavery and lynching, discrimination, police beatings, economic suppression, degradation, and marginalization, to acceptance as a serious candidate for the office of President of the United States of America. Most of that progress has taken place in my own lifetime. I simply never believed I would live to see this day.

Other black people have tried seriously to be considered, as have other women, but America has always been stuck with the mindset that you had to be white and male to have any chance of success to occupy The White House. Even the name of the building reflected one of the basic qualifications for the office.

But America has learned a lesson about discrimination and prejudice. In the practise of these two acts we often harm ourselves. We turn our backs on the best qualified, accepting only those who fall into a shallow defined group of approved candidates, and America got what it deserved. It inflicted upon itself white men who were incompetent, stupid, sleazy, dishonourable, and crooks. Of course, it also got some who were exceptionally talented and very progressive for the country.

It is indeed time for change; an idea whose time has come and it will not be denied. Barak Obama has been declared the official candidate of the Democratic Party, and that all by itself is history. Congratulations! America. In order to make that happen the country as a majority has had to throw off its shameful history.

But! And this is a very big But! Let’s not be totally complacent and naive and expect that absolutely everyone in America is on board with this revolution. No doubt at this very moment there are very dark forces conspiring to turn back the clock. Whatever happens, the tide will not be turned back. There’s to be no going back to the way it was. There may have to be several attempts to make the idea stick, but stick it will.

Should Barak Obama be elected as the first black president of the U.S. that will achieve several things other than the barriers that he will have toppled. It will do things for women as well, especially if he does as is expected and asks Hillary Clinton to be his vice-president. It will significantly elevate the position of black women in the U.S. too, as his wife will become First Lady.

Personally, I would not advise taking Clinton on as VP, because that almost certainly would encourage a whole different group to go after him just so she gets to succeed him as president. I would recommend that he choose another black man, or woman. Too bad Condoleeza Rice is a Republican.

On a strictly political viewpoint, I personally do not envy whoever inherits the mess that the outgoing incumbent will leave. The task will not be an easy one. In fact it may be impossible for any future president for many years to come to be able to look good in office, such is the enormity of the task ahead.

So good luck to them all, and good luck to America. These are very exciting times indeed. Let the dream be realised, and America can finally say, “Free at last! Free at last! Thank God Almighty we’re Free at Last!

Copyright © 2008 Eugene Carmichael

Sunday, June 1, 2008

Managing Jealousy









Jealousy, known as The Green-Eyed Monster, is a major problem in relationships. No one is completely safe from its attack. It is very often at the heart of violence in the home, and has been responsible for murder, or what also might be deemed manslaughter.

Jealousy is essentially a function of insecurity. It cannot function where there is confidence backed up by reassurance. I have been its victim from time to time, but as I have come to understand what drives it I have been better able to manage it.

Jealousy, I believe, is a completely natural human emotion that goes right along with love. I’m thinking about the sort of jealousy that operates within a love relation, although it does exist in other forms, such as in business, the arts, etc.

Take two identical scenarios, one where confidence exists, (case A), and the other where insecurity rules the day. (Case B). Although jealousy affects men and women equally, let’s use for our examples a woman, and two men, and the situation is a social setting where we are supposed to mingle. At the end of the evening when the couple are returning home, in case A the couple compare notes about who they chatted with, even joking about the good looking guy who really took an interest in the woman. She reassures her partner that there is absolutely nothing to be concerned about as their love is strong and safe. He is secure and content.

However, Case B presents quite another scene. That relationship is weak; she’s an habitual flirt, although she has never followed up on any of the opportunities her flirting has opened up, and he’s deeply suspicious of her loyalty. He is more than likely to have a bout of jealousy that will lead to a fight. People get hurt in a situation such as this as it is natural to defend what we believe to be ours.

In uncontrolled jealousy, just walking along the street can set off an episode if another man so much as casts an admiring glance at his woman. In reality, he should be proud to have his own taste approved by others, but he is not likely to see it this way.

How do we go about evading jealousy? It’s probably a good idea to avoid an emotional relationship with super glamorous people, the so-called “Beautiful People.” As his or her partner you are in competition with that person who probably is in love with their own self. I think that’s called narcissism. Such people are high maintenance and are rarely worth the heartache they generate.

In choosing a partner if you place the greatest emphasis on integrity rather than looks you will be on the right track. Beauty can be more than skin deep, but taking care to ensure your beautiful person’s beauty starts from deep down is paramount. Then, you have to be sure to work for your place in your partner’s life every day. You can never take him or her for granted, although we do tend to get lazy, but that’s not a good idea.

So, in summary, if you have chosen well, and you are prepared to work for your partner’s affection, when someone else recognizes that you have a gem that they would like to have, you can relax in the knowledge that they are absolutely right, but the gem is all yours.

Copyright (c) 2008 Eugene Carmichael