List of Previous Titles

Sunday, November 18, 2007

Is your Lovely Lady a Lunatic?












Is Your Lovely Lady a Lunatic?

Paul R. from Melbourne, Australia wants to know. He writes:

“ G’day mate! The thing about some Sheilas is that they are completely mad. You tell them that you love them more than words can say, and that you would do anything for them, and everyday, in every possible way that they can imagine they test you.

“ I have finally come to my senses and rid myself of the worst experience of my life by losing 60 kilos of pure evil. I was slow to realize that because the story of my relationship with my ex-girl friend started like they do in the movies. Our eyes locked across a crowded bar, and little by little we came together. Her name is Paula, so we thought that we were made for each other, Paul and Paula. She was blonde, (later I discovered that came from a bottle), blue-eyed (the effect of her contact lens), and she is superb in the chest department. Even they were breast implants, although I really didn’t care about that because they were fun to play with. On meeting her and sizing her up I realized I was actually drooling a little from the side of my mouth.

“She took her time with me and played me like a didgeridoo. I had to wait a whole month before she took me into her bed, but that was like having won the freaking lotto.

“Whenever she wanted something, or did something naughty, and let me tell you about some of those, she would always say “if you really loved me, blah, blah, blah.”

“I’m a working class guy in construction. Naturally, I work bloody hard for my money, so why was I giving this girl the finest that money could buy? She loved eating out and jewellery. Whenever I bought her a special piece that she liked she rewarded me with something extra in bed. It never occurred to me to ask myself where she learned her techniques. Sometimes I would buy her jewellery that she did not like. Then she would say she wanted to take it back to choose something else. Invariably that cost more money. During the three years with her I never saved a penny. What a bitch!

“After a short while I changed from my room to renting a full house so that we could live together. There were times when she said that she would be visiting her relatives and she would be gone for days. Australia, as you know is a big place, so if you have relatives scattered all over this involves many days travelling time. She insisted that she didn’t want a mobile phone, so once out of the house she would be out of contact. During those periods I would wait and worry and long for her return like the sick Koala that I was.

“On one such trip when she was visiting her Aunt Sue in Sydney, which is a trillion kilometres to the north, I could swear I saw her in another bloke’s car passing the jobsite I was on. It was probably just her twin, I told myself, but the thought of what my eyes were telling me did shake me up. I couldn’t call her because she said her aunt didn’t have a phone. Does anybody living in Sydney not have a phone?

“On one of our nights out she openly flirted with another guy. When I had a grumble about it she said I needn’t worry. I was the only man she could ever love, but she asked me if I had ever fantasized about watching her make love to another man. If I really loved her I would support her fantasy about she in bed with me and this other guy. She would rather not go behind my back, and for one couple to be only with the other partner for the rest of our lives was unrealistic.

“The amber fluid (beer) flowed well that night and before the night was over the three of us had a good old rump in bed. I was depressed for days after. However, it wasn’t long before she spotted someone else she wanted a threesome with but he had a girlfriend. That didn’t stop her, and before long she managed to get the four of us in bed. The other girl and I made a half-hearted effort but we were distracted by the ferocity of her energy in absolutely consuming the guy. She seemed to be performing for her audience.

“We talked about it the next day, but she would not let me complain by reminding me that I should have been busy in giving pleasure to his Barbie (girlfriend). If I loved her I would not deny her such harmless pleasures. After all, she was not cheating on me behind my back.

“She was a lousy homemaker, expecting me to do all the cleaning and cooking, things that she assumed I would be glad to do if I really loved her.

“ Finally, one day I woke up, and I really woke up to what this crazy woman was all about. I had to go through an exorcism-like experience to get rid of her, and now I wonder what was I thinking. She was absolutely amazed that I no longer loved her.

I have to give her credit for one thing: That is when we met I told her that I wanted her, and I wanted to get to know her better. She said, “ No you don’t! You don’t want me, you don’t want to get to know me!”

“ The moral of this story is that if a woman says those words to you when you meet her, remember that she knows herself better than you ever can, so do not hesitate, RUN!!!!

Does this sound like someone you know? I think I do. Got a story to share with us, contact me at eugene.spain@gmail.com

Copyright (c) 2007 Eugene Carmichael