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Sunday, July 15, 2007

Date Rape!










Chronicles of Rape-Survivor’s Stories (Part One of Six)


The premise: No man of good conscience would willingly and recklessly force himself upon another person for reasons of sex, power or control. This series is intended to raise awareness and sensitivity.

The conventional wisdom is that we should be careful what we wish or ask for. Prior to the first part of this series I asked that rape survivors might like to write to me to help me understand what the experience was like. I though that perhaps, by coming to understand what a rape victim felt and thought in the build up to the act, and during the violation itself, and what lingers long after, I might be able to give pause to a future would-be rapist, because he would understand his actions better.

Well, thank you! You did write to me, and I read every submission, some twice or more times, and I kept reading even when I thought that I can’t possibly get through another graphic description of an abomination. At times I had to pause to take a walk. Perhaps you were not all able to get the full depth of your thoughts down on paper, but don’t worry; the hurt came through loud and clear.

In summary, so far I have learned the following, among other things:
- Not every rape is committed by someone who has malice aforethought;
- Not every rapist is even aware that he has committed what the other person considers an act of rape;
- Owning to a change in the law, we find that in the privacy of the matrimonial bedroom, a husband might find himself charged by his wife with rape;
- That acts of rape take place in same-sex circumstances, and alarmingly so in woman-on-woman situations, but that no-one in authority seems to take these seriously;
- That our culture is changing to such a degree that rape is one of the easiest offences for a man to commit unwittingly. It is also one of the most difficult for which to get a conviction.

I promised that I would go to great lengths to protect your identities, but this is actually made easy as a lot of the circumstances are so similar, so I will group experiences together.

Hollywood created the image of the strong male character who sweeps the woman off her feet, not taking “no” for an answer. Forget that! “No!” means just that. It doesn’t mean “maybe, or possibly, or come on, persuade me some more”. No means stop what you are doing now and back off. Perhaps it’s not intended as a permanent stop, and if it's not she will let you know, but when you hear it you continue on at your peril.

The Date Rape!

These situations occurred after the couples had spent a pleasant evening out for dinner, or theatre, etc. In a case or two it was a first date, but in others the couples were familiar to one another. In the usual scene that marks the end of the evening some petting may take place. This often leads to sexual activity if both people wish it, but in many cases it leads to awkwardness because he wants to take it all the way, and she is not comfortable in doing that.

“I really did like him. In many ways I thought that he was the perfect gentleman, and in reality making love with him was a beautiful thought (or beautiful and enjoyable experience), but tonight it was not right or a comfortable thing for me to do. I tried to explain that to him, and at first he seemed to understand, although I realised he desperately wanted me.

“He kept insisting and putting his hands where I did not want them placed. I was rapidly becoming angry and alarmed that my perfect gentleman was turning into a pig. I lost my sense of humour and pushed him away, and that is when he became violent and made his intentions perfectly clear.

“Oh, Dear God, No! Don’t let him do this. Please let me keep my dignity. He’s threatening to kill me, and his breath is so foul, and the look in his eyes so ferocious, I believe that he will kill me anyway. Dear Lord, what have I done to deserve this? How can this man have turned into such a beast? He’s tearing away my clothes. I wish I were dead!

“Oh! God! This is awful! Make him stop! Get off me, you bastard! You Pig! Pig! PIG!

“And now, he’s gone, but not before saying how sorry he is. He doesn’t know what came over him. Here I am, all crumpled, ashamed, angry, disgusted, completely violated, in mind and body, and above all, I feel so degraded and dirty. (I wasn’t a virgin, but consensual sexual relations are a whole world apart from this). How dare he do this to me? I am a human being, with feelings, goddammit! I will not be treated this way! Give me a knife and I would cut off his genitals.”

Next in the series: (Rape II) Stranger Rape.


Copyright © 2007 Eugene Carmichael