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Saturday, July 7, 2007

Is There a place in modern day Marriage for infidelity. A reader Responds!


Published on the 7/7/07- A good luck day, if you believe, or not, if you don't. Let there be true love in your life, and may you never have a reason to say "I'm Sorry!"


“ No! There is never a legitimate place for infidelity, not under any circumstances. I understand that some people have so-called open marriages, just like the holes in their heads, but that is not the same thing as being unfaithful.

“In such cases the parties agree, for reasons best known to themselves to live together while at the same time going out to seek other sexual partners, or even bringing them home to be shared.

“I’m not concerned with the life choices of adults in general, I’m only concerned with the question of having entered into a marriage, in good faith with a partner, and having made each other certain promises, among them to hold one another exclusive to the other, through the good times and the bad, in sickness and in health, for better or for worse, or for richer or for poorer circumstances.

“ My own marriage was one that was consecrated and blessed in a Christian church before God and our families as witnesses. I truly loved the man that I married. On that day I tingled with joy and delight. As I saw it, I was entering into a life partnership with another human being who had been so adoring and considerate to me, and I to him, that we had the perfect beginning to our life together.

“ I was to be a stay-at-home wife, homemaker, mother, nurturer. For the first eight years or so, we lived the dream, the fairytale life of a house in the suburbs, two children, a boy and a girl. I had the PTA and community work, and a husband who was steady and reliable. Our marriage ran like a Swiss timepiece, including that we deliberately made time for ourselves. We talked about his work and about politics, of which he was passionate.

“When the first signs appear that something is wrong they are probably always small, and they tend to be explained away as tiredness or stress. Perhaps something as simple as a kiss not given upon arriving home, as is the usual custom.

“Months before my husband had joined a local constituency to work on behalf of our political party. Our well ordered life’s routine was now being interrupted by nights out for meetings and canvassing on the doorstep. We still talked about the issues. If anything he became even more passionate about politics, but there was a certain distance between us that wasn’t there before. And there was something else. Our love lives took on an added element. I didn’t know what it was at the time, but later I came to realize it was guilt compensation. My perfect husband was having a perfect affair with one of his political fellow workers.

“The main problem with infidelity is the hurt of betrayal and deception. It is the loss of that all-important element of trust. Once trust is gone the relationship can never again be the same. Even long after the partner has seen the error of his ways and pledges never to stray again, you will never believe another word that he, or she says. How can you? You heard The Promise before, and under very sober and sombre circumstances and it was broken anyway.

“Acceptance of the truth comes hard. Looking back, I think a comparison with being diagnosed with a terminal illness would be accurate. First, Denial! No, this is not happening, you try to convince yourself. Then, Anger! How dare he do this to me! Things get thrown, curses galore get spoken, and entirely too much alcohol gets drunk.
Then come the tears of hurt at the sense of loss and disappointment, and the sheer sense of betrayal that your partner would do something of this nature to disrespect not only you personally, but that he holds the marriage and your children in such contempt!

“Above all, the duplicity is so staggering. This is the same man who sits at the dinner table and looked me straight in my eyes, and who smiled at me, and who professed to love me and our children. Every time he announced that he was going out for a meeting my stomach scrunched in a tight ball. I’m sure that he did a lot of political work, but in my mind all I saw was the two of them going off into some convenient love nest.

“Yes, I am bitter. My marriage has been invaded and my heart has been broken, and here I remain trapped, because I will not have my children grow up in a broken home. But mark my words, one day accounts will be due and payable in full!

Copyright© 2007 Eugene Carmichael