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Sunday, July 1, 2007

What it means to be a Father



Does the mother of your children know what it means to you to be the father of her children? She will be able to assume a lot by your actions, in fact your actions will say much more than your words, but have you ever put into words for her your deepest feelings about fulfilling the most important role in your life?

Most men have never done this. It is not considered necessary. Two e-mails were received on this same interesting topic. The writers’ fears are that unless we say out loud what it means to us, inevitably mis-conceptions creep in.

Father (A) says that his circumstances are that he and his family came to Spain from their home in England many years ago, principally for his health. He has never been able to find work in his field here in Spain, and that has meant that he is a house-husband. He has assumed the role of homemaker, and partly to ease his sense of guilt and to bolster his ego he prides himself on doing a really good job of it.

He is now at the point where he would not like to trade his role for anything. Meanwhile, relieved of the normal responsibilities of motherhood, his wife’s career has taken off and she has moved up the corporate ladder to realise her full potential.

He wrote, “it occurred to me just recently, after reading your essay, “Fathers are Parents Too” that I have never said to my wife in so many words what it means to me to do the many things that are necessary in support of the children.” He is sure that he is one of the very privileged to be so close to the kids because of circumstances. Many men don’t even get the opportunity to know their children.

For him, being father to his children is his very reason for living. Take away that and he would have to completely reinvent himself. The fact that he gets to fill some of their mother’s duties as well is a wonderful bonus.

The circumstances of Father (B) are in line with those of most men. He is concerned that just making both ends meet are taking up too much of his day to the extent that he rarely gets to see his children. He is pleased that he is able to provide for them. He describes his family as upper middle-class, and he is proud of the fact that his wife does not have to go out to work.

Lately, it has been nagging him that he does not know his children. They are growing up without him. He is missing so much of their development because his life is completely taken up with earning money. He thinks that his family appreciates having the comfort and nice things that his money can buy, but people keep saying that he works too hard.

This man is facing the age old problem of having to put too much effort into providing for the family with no time left over for him to give of the one thing they may want the most, and that is his very own personal involvement.

I was one such person in that I worked long and hard hours, and was hardly ever there for my son. I only got a glimpse of him in the morning before setting off for the day. At night by the time I got home he was asleep in bed. Sensibly, my wife worked part-time so as to be there for him after school. I thought this meant that he was growing up well adjusted. On Saturdays, when he had some kind of game, I would be sure to be there, but after that I went to the office.

I finally came to the realisation that I had dug a hole for myself, and that it was quite deep enough. I announced that I would be getting out of the hole and that I would take early retirement so that we all could spend some real quality time together. And that is when my eight-year old son told me of his feelings and his relief about my decision. It seems that he had been judging me by what his mates had said about the time they spent with their dads, and I fell well short.

So now that I am retired I get to cook and chauffer for my son, and I occasionally stop to smell the flowers. I have time to observe his growth and to be involved. Children grow up entirely too fast and then, they’re off to live their own lives.

When we come to the end of our own lives no one ever elected to have posted on their headstone “ I regret not having spent more time at the office.”

Copyright © 2007 Eugene Carmichael