List of Previous Titles

Sunday, March 11, 2007

Is there ever a legitimate place for infidelity in Modern Marriage

Published May 27th, 2007

Let’s be clear: we are not talking about a marriage where the partners agree to partner swap. I have thought about such arrangements, (not for my wife and I) and I have to confess that I cannot get my head around the notion that a man and his wife quite deliberately and both willingly leave home to go to a place where they will move around and do and get done by and with others, and then go home and resume the routine of their daily lives without there being residual problems.

I think I understand the underlying concept. Will someone please correct me if I am wrong, but I think it goes like this: Sexual intercourse between the same two partners tends to lose its lustre and spontaneity over time due to familiarity. That’s not necessarily the same thing as genuine love for one another, but the simple joy of having a really good shag for its sake can only be maintained through diversity. Someone new to discover, a slightly different technique, a different smell, taste, feel, kind of like visiting a new country for the first time. I understand that the very best part of these experiences occurs in a dark room where it’s all about feel. No names or any other information is ever divulged.

I’m a little sketchy on the details as I was not allowed to do any real research on the subject, so I will be relying on those of you who have been there and done that. The part of such an arrangement between partners that I respect is the honesty. The partners recognize the limitations and the dangers of routine sex for them, and they have been both open and honest with one another. They have made this adult pact, which I suppose could include certain behaviour restrictions, and off they go for an evening’s entertainment.

Guys, before you think about approaching your wife with this idea, I have a suspicion that women find this type of activity much more enjoyable than men. Women have fantasies too, remember, and they don’t share them with us. For us guys, after a couple of times over the top we’re ready to go to sleep, and boredom sets in. How are you going to handle it when you can’t even find your wife because she is under a pile-up. “Honey, is that you?” I would expect the first sign of trouble to be when you’re ready to go home and she is far from ready to leave. Happens at conventional parties, doesn’t it?

I would fear that the longer the couple practises this lifestyle the closer they are to a break-up. The very fact that they are sharing one another in an open way does not seem to me to be a building and strengthening process. It seems to me to be very destructive, and surely, one day either one will encounter the one outstanding woman or man who really sends them ballistic, and than they will want more, more, and even more. How does one control one’s feelings and emotions. The simple reality is that you can’t, at least not for long.

One other question nags at me, and that is, do such couples talk about their experiences with one another, and if so, are they as honest as they lead one another to believe. Finally, what about safe sex? How safe can it be under such circumstances. I could only imagine participating in such activities with someone who I regarded as a temporary and disposable woman in my life. The woman that I love and cherish is for me alone. Call me old fashioned if you wish.

So, if the above scenario is too much for most people are there any other options, other than absolute fidelity, such as the “open marriage”, which is simply a variation on the one described above.

That brings us to the question of the silent infidelity, where in most cases only one partner is unfaithful, (probably the male) and the affair is kept discreet. It can even be maintained over many years with the guilty party going to extra lengths to keep the home fires glowing nicely.

My point is that in such cases, the other partner does know that something is going on as there are far too many clues that get left about. I also suspect that the wife may even be grateful, in many cases that she is not being bothered to “serve” her husband, being relieved of that chore by the other woman. In the case of a man who is incapable of sexually satisfying his wife, he may tacitly accept that those of her needs will have to be met by someone capable. As long as she continues to be with him and to be a comfort where he needs it he can accept the reality as long as he does not actually have to face it.

Am I wrong? I would love to have your feed-back.

E-mail me at eugene.spain@gmail.com




Copyright © 2007 Eugene Carmichael

Fathers are Parents Too (II)

Published May 20th, 2007


The break-up of a marriage that began in hope and happiness, and that involves children is in the league of a train smash, a shipwreck, a plane crash, only on a smaller scale.

The automatic marginalization of fathers by the courts and the ex-wife is the thing that is, in principle, so outrageous. Where once the marriage was a fully functioning unit, now there are two homes, perhaps two individuals at war with the children caught in the middle. For friends of the marriage there is enough of a dilemma. How do they not choose sides? Clearly, the situation is near impossible for the children.

In an ideal world, the circumstances would not change for the children and they would not have to choose. If only it were possible for the parent who moves out of the family home to simply move in next door, that would allow the children continued free access to their parents..

Warning! From here on in we are treading through a minefield. Were going to talk about a Father’s Rights of access to his children, but we must put everything in it’s proper context. Something big got in the way that has a bearing on the subject, and that is the divorce itself. What brought that on and how did those circumstances affect the father’s relationship with his children? In other words, he may indeed wish to sue for access, but do they actually want to see and be with him.

We have entered the no-generalization zone. Every case has to be looked at on its own merit. The most clear-cut case is where before the troubles father took the role of ideal family man. He was always there for his children giving them support when they needed it. The bond was intact and the children were growing up well adjusted because they had both parents who played their respective parts by the book, and the children came to depend on them. The question is, how did this marriage end in ruins?

In a marriage that was in trouble, chances are that the children were aware of what was going on and were emotionally involved. They most likely were taking sides, sometimes strictly gender based, sometimes not. At the final outcome, they will very likely conclude that the break-up is the fault of one, or the other parent. In such an event, the one whom they blame is going to find it pretty hard going to be in their company.

The activist group Fathers-4-Justice have pulled off some spectacular stunts to draw attention to the automatic marginalization of fathers, and denial of a father’s basic human right to see his children. It’s bad enough that he is expected to give financial support to a woman with whom he no longer has a personal (and intimate) relationship, but he must also give continuing support to his children that he is legally barred-or severely limited from seeing. He is being treated simply as a cash machine, and he resents that. He has feelings too that are intensified when he loses everything. He is out of the house living in some small one-room bed-sitter with nothing to give him joy and comfort.

It’s no wonder that men in such circumstances frequently become so depressed that they fixate on ending it all. Nobody cares a damn. He is only being used and abused, and she is out there clucking happily knowing full well that she is sticking it to him. The stories of what can come out of this type of situation are legend and form some of the most hideous tales of death and destruction. Nobody wins!

I return to my own experience as the model of how to work with a bad situation to best effect. In this I salute my former wife, who unfortunately passed away in her 42nd year. She was the one to provide the solution that I wish was standard, where applicable. That is to say, that she insisted that I had free access to see my daughters anytime they wanted. I think that she came to that place because my daughters wanted a continuing relationship with me. None of us could have known how important that was to be.

Those of you men who are going through this difficult time will all have your own stories. The main problem is that this will be a terribly confusing time when neither parent will be sure of what went wrong, or at least they will have their own versions. The bottom line is that it’s not about either of you. It’s about your children. What do they want, and particularly, what do they need in the way of continuing support. If it was not right between father and child before the divorce, how likely will it be afterwards.

Sometimes, as men we have to grin and bear the pain if it’s the right thing to do for our children.


Copyright © 2007 Eugene Carmichael

Infidelity II (The Reality)

Published May 13th, 2007

Bill Clinton, John Prescott, Chris Tarrant, David Beckham, and Jeffrey Archer all have several things in common. They are wealthy, powerful, influential, and intelligent men, and at the same time amazingly naive for having thought that they could have extra martial affairs without their wives, (and just about everybody else in the world) finding out. As Bill Clinton famously and allegedly said to Monica Lewinsky, “but Monica, who in the world is going to know? “

No one has ever had a successful affair of any duration without putting about all sorts of clues for their significant other to find. This is based on the fact that one person can only be in one place at one time. There are spouses who will say they had no idea, but the clues were there for them to pick up. Whether they chose to do so is another matter. In fact, there are probably some wives who are actually grateful for the other woman, because she takes care of “that” unpleasant aspect of the marriage.

This is the way it has always been, and so it will continue until the science of human cloning is perfected.

I am always amazed at how the wives cope with the exposure in the headlines that their husbands have been sleeping around. Never I have known it to be the other way round. Usually, the couple appear in front of the cameras, arm in arm, he looking sheepish, and the wife gives the news briefing:

. “ My husband and I have discussed the situation, and in light of the many years we have invested in each other we have decided to stay together and work out our problems. I have forgiven my husband his mistakes and indiscretions, and now I hope that members of the public will do the same, and afford us the privacy we need to heal.”

Nice! Dignified! Unreal! (What she is really saying is that my husband has had his last bit of sex, unless with himself, this side of the next millennium.)

To get real I have a scenario that will require a Naomi Campbell -type of personality. (Preferably not Naomi herself. We don’t need that much reality.)

In my little playlet, Edward, a conservative Englishman will play the role of husband, who marries a beautiful model like our Naomi. Edward’s wife is known simply as “Em”. They marry and Em is successful at her career, and Edward goes into politics where he rises quite quickly through the ranks, landing an important Ministerial post. His fellow male MPs greatly admire him, particularly for what they call his trophy wife.

As Edward matures and occupies himself with dull matters of State he begins to wish that Em was able to converse with him on the subjects that matter to him. She, however is into fashions and such like. Along comes Melanie, political correspondent for The Times to interview our Edward. Melanie is knowledgeable, witty, warm, and very, very beautiful. Unwisely, the pair of them embark upon a love affair. From the moment it begins Em notices the difference and decides to hire a private detective to see, as she put it, “ what that fool thinks he’s doing.”

Inevitably the news hits the front page, and the media do their camping-out thing, waiting for a Statement. Meanwhile, Melanie has given an interview saying that Edward will divorce his wife and the two of them will move to Canada and start a new life together.

After several days of media harassment, Em decides it’s time to speak up. She comes out of the house with Edward at her side looking every inch the model.

First she gives the media a good ticking off, calling them vultures, a pack of wolves, and worse.

“ My husband Edward, by his own admission entered into a foolish affair with some Bimbo named Melanie. He says that he doesn’t know what he was thinking, and he has apologised to me and has committed to earning my forgiveness. Now this Melanie person is saying that he and she will be going off on their own: Well, Ms. Thing, you will not be going anywhere with my husband. He’s my husband so you can just take your big butt and hit the road. And one other thing girlfriend: If I happen to accidentally on purpose bump into you, I hope no one expects me to behave myself. After you so blatantly invaded my marriage and disrespected what I was trying to achieve, girl, I will knock you into next week!!!

Now, that’s real!

Is it possible to have a long-term extra-marital relationship without your wife having a clue? What do you think? I don’t expect you to admit to doing this, just tell me if you think it’s possible. E-mail me at eugene.spain@gmail.com

Copyright (c) 2007 Eugene Carmichael

How to be a Gracious Guest

Published May 6th, 2007

This is a truly modern day problem. It should be simple: whoever does the inviting, pays. The fact of the matter is that it has never been as simple as that, and, it just got a whole lot more complicated.

For many years I worked in the hospitality business. It always amazed me how a pleasant evening between friends was ruined when it came time to pay the bill. The arguing and snatching of the poor little piece of paper backwards and forwards, and the change in attitude was truly something to behold. It appears that there can be a whole social hierarchy thing involved between the Joneses when it comes to such a simple thing as that. In spite of my considerable exposure to the phenomena, I still personally plunged head first into trouble, as though I was absolutely clueless. There is a moral to this tale that I hope might help you avoid the same grave social mistake.

The story began with an invitation to a business lunch by a professional woman, a colleague with whom I worked in the same industry. We discussed our business, had a lovely lunch, but when it came time to settle the bill I insisted on paying. I thought I was being gallant. She protested, pleaded, became testy, and then turned downright nasty, but I insisted in my good natured manner that the pleasure was all mine. I do not remember ever provoking anyone to such anger, either before or since. She told me that we would discuss how I made her feel if she ever calmed down enough to allow her to have a rational discussion about it.

My silent reaction was, “Hey lady, what’s yer problem?”

I did have that discussion with her, and it was I who approached her to apologise. However, before that happened I had to suffer some of my own medicine to understand how small I had made my host feel.

My lesson was delivered to me when I invited a senior officer of one of my client companies to lunch. When the bill arrived I naturally expected to pay, (although the money was his company’s own), but his attitude seemed to be you are subordinate to me, therefore you cannot extend hospitality to me, because I am your senior. The pecking order always extends downwards in matters such as these.

I was surprised by how much my feelings were hurt. I felt so small and insignificant. I was insulted because I thought I was some big cheese, respected for the position that I held and the responsibility that I carried. I was, after all in charge of millions of dollars of this man’s company funds, so how come I couldn’t even buy him lunch. The irony was, after all, as I have said, I was using his own company’s money. But no, he had to settle the bill. I was simply not worthy.

Before that day ended I sought out the lady whom I had offended and related my experience, and I made the most heartfelt apology to her that I have ever had to make to anyone. I did it while my own hurt was still fresh in my memory. She was gracious in her forgiveness, but she also congratulated me on taking a giant step forward.

So, the moral of this tale is this: modern day woman works hard for her income, and she should be respected as a full human being. She is not automatically by virtue of her gender the superior nor the inferior of her male colleagues in the workplace. Sure, there may indeed be a ranking system based on other criteria, but not simply on gender. Certainly, if she holds the same rank as you, or rank is non-applicable, and she invites you to lunch, she intends and expects to pay.

The other faux-pas to avoid is taking charge of the menu or the setting up of the line of communication with the service personnel. As the guest we need to assume a passive role and to follow her lead. Will we be having alcohol at the table? If she orders something soft, it’s probably best to follow her lead, especially if we do not know how she feels about booze.

You, or I are her guest, and as such it only remains for us to thank her for her hospitality. She is perfectly capable of spending her hard earned money in any way she wishes

What a wonderful, brave new world this is! Don’t you think?

Got a topic you want discussed. Have you encountered a new world problem in dealing with women? E-mail me at mailto:eugene.spain@g.mail.com Let’s get networking guys!




Copyright © 2007 Eugene Carmichael

When You're the Other Man

Published April 29th, 2007


About forty years ago I was involved in a love triangle. What I didn’t know was that I had been carefully chosen by the crazy woman, whose intention was to get back at her husband, who was actively engaged in playing the field. Her objective, as it became abundantly clear, was to set up a situation whereby he would kill me in a fit of rage, or that I would kill him in self-defence. Either way, the outcome would have been acceptable to her.

It’s forty years later and I am still really annoyed at Carmen. I also learned my lesson because I cannot blame only her. However, for a time I thought that I had discovered the Holy Grail of affection. God! She was so convincing. I thought that she truly loved me. What a dope I was.

Let’s set the record straight: I am not trying to justify my involvement in someone else’s marriage. I invaded another man’s marriage, or to put it more correctly I was enthusiastically invited in by his wife. I should have known it was too good to be true. My sense of morality screamed at me to “back off!” But she was determined, I was flattered, and I listened only to my head, the one without the brain, and it nearly got me killed.

As a man, if we desire another man’s wife and we enter into a secret affair with her, I don’t know why we don’t think that one day it’s not going to come back on us. One day, when we least expect it, Karma will do its thing and it will be our turn to suffer hurt and indignation. Whether you’re Prince Charles or any lesser mortal, Karma doesn’t care. When we invade another’s marriage we disrespect the man, his family, particularly the woman, and especially ourselves.

It takes two people who at least suspend their morality and integrity to do that tango. There was much discussion about the marriage between Charles and Camilla. Was it proper that they marry? Well, who else? They deserve each other.

I look back at my own experience and I thought it was justified at the time. After all, I knew what her husband was doing. What I didn’t know was the complete story. I didn’t know what was driving him to find love in the arms of complete strangers, and with that lack of knowledge I judged him and gave myself an excuse.

But, I was wrong to interfere. Certainly he should have handled his problems differently than the way he did, but it was none of my business. My best friend was distraught over my involvement. He warned me that it could only end in tears, or worse, but I didn’t listen although I knew he was right.

When she was ready she set the scene. As I think about it I am amazed at how methodical and cool she was. What must she have been thinking as the hour approached. She made me so comfortable in her bed that I lost all track of time until he attacked me. He was as outraged as you might expect, having come home to find another man in his bed with his naked wife. I fought back because my life was on the line. Back and forth went the battle throughout the house, and we made a bloody mess of everything.

Finally we found ourselves in the kitchen. We were both bleeding so we didn’t really need a place filled with cutting things, but there we were. I was naked so there was nothing to stem my blood loss. Just as if there was a bad script, I slipped on the blood and fell backward onto the butcher’s block that stood in the middle of the room. As if by magic a meat cleaver appeared in his hand and was raised up high above his head where it caught the light. That’s when I stopped struggling, closed my eyes, and waited for the steel to bite.

He apparently hesitated. Then we were both startled to hear her scream from the doorway, “Kill Him!” We both then knew we were victims of an elaborate plot. Unwittingly she saved my life. So he and I united against her in his divorce petition.

The moral of the story is based on the ethic of reciprocity and the Golden Rule: Do nothing to someone else that you would not want done to you; and “Don’t go a round with another man’s wife unless you are ready to go ten rounds with him.” (Anonymous)

Is it ever justified to have an affair with a married woman who is living with her husband? Let me know your thoughts on this topic at eugene.spain@gmail.com


Copyright (c) 2007 Eugene Carmichael

Infidelity

Published April 22nd, 2007

Gentlemen! If you absolutely must be unfaithful to your significant other, I seriously suggest that when you get caught (as you surely will) , that there is one thing to avoid saying at all costs: that is, “it didn’t mean anything.” Firstly, it always means something, to you, because if it didn’t mean anything you would not have done it; and, secondly it certainly means a lot to your other half. In fact, by having said that she may decide to show you just what it does mean.

Tell her you have been very stupid; or greedy, or weak, or you don’t know what the hell you were thinking. Tell her anything other than that you hold her in such low esteem that you have been unfaithful with a person who means absolutely nothing to you, and that the act itself had no value at all.

How small and insignificant do you want her to feel? A woman could better understand it if she had refused you her sexual favours and you turned to a prostitute for relief. After all, that’s a simple commercial transaction with no emotional involvement. The prostitute has served her function in the same manner as any other professional who relieves the pain, suffering and discomfort of their clients. In fact, I believe that were it not for wives who give only the cold shoulder to their husbands, prostitutes would go out of business.

I cringe when I hear that some hapless guy who has been caught in the act says, “it’s not what it looks like,” or “it don’t mean nothing!” This is adding insult to injury, and your significant other will be fired up with anger mainly because you think they are stupid.

What is it about human nature that when we have it all together, finally, we insist on shooting ourselves in the foot. Is it because we think we don’t deserve to be happy? There are countless public examples of celebrities who have it all. They have arrived. They have the money, fame, adulation of an adoring public, a perfect picture postcard family, and then they go and do something so stupid the mind boggles. David Beckham comes immediately to mind.

I’m not a great football fan, but I didn’t have to follow football to admire the guy. Everything above the surface was going his way. The luckiest guy in the world! But, I can be such a cynic at times, so I quietly said “wait for it.” I didn’t have long to wait. “Beckham has affair with P.A.” came the headlines. Well, of course! What was Victoria thinking? To have abandoned her husband in Spain, and to have moved back to England because Spain smells of garlic? Vaya! Vaya! Vaya! But to her credit she has stood her ground and (seemingly) learnt a valuable lesson. If she doesn’t take care of her husband there are literally a trillion other women who will.

In order to get some perspective on this, let’s turn the tables. You have a beautiful wife whom you adore. You work hard thinking only of her. You love to give her stuff to make her happy. You have installed her in the house of her dreams, and you are careful to give copious amounts of quality time of yourself to your family. In other words, you have done everything by the book. You’re brilliant! Then one day you come home early and unexpectedly bearing flowers, and you walk in and she is doing "gardening exercises" with the gardener. She says that there is no emotional involvement. It’s not what it looks like, and it don’t mean nutting! She was just feeling the heat and he was nearby trimming the hedges. Awfully sorry!

No reason to disbelieve her. He can’t hold a candle to you. She won’t ever do it again.
How do you imagine you would feel?

Because of the way in which we men are wired, life can be so unfair. We are faced with temptation at every turn. We go weak in the knees at the sight of chantilly lace. Life’s like a buffet, especially here in Spain where women take the time to turn themselves out meticulously. Fortunately, women control the situation, so in most cases it’s a matter of, “down boy!”

Here’s one thing to keep in mind before you take that step into the world of the unfaithful: When you are found out the most important thing that it will mean is the loss of Trust. Once trust is gone, it is long gone. You might stay together until you’re both one hundred, however, I seriously doubt trust will ever be back! Is it worth it?

Coming: “Is there a legitimate place for infidelity in the modern marriage?” What do you think? E-mail it in to eugene.spain@gmail.com

Let’s Network guys!




Copyright © 2007 Eugene Carmichael

Marriage. A Modern -Day Anachronism

Published April 15th, 2007


The statistics are of great concern that tell of the failure rate of the modern marriage. Although most couples think that their marriage will last, and everyone wishes them well, but it must surely be unsettling to the couple to know that out of every three weddings taking place at the moment, one will not last “until death do us part.” Unless, of course, death comes quickly. Some marriage ceremonies, and the planning that went into the day actually last longer than the subsistence of the marriage itself. One guy told me that his marriage started to fall apart on the honeymoon. I’m sure that is not such an isolated case as one might think.

Then again, perhaps it’s not actually a case of marriage failures if you accept that we are now into the age of serial marriages. It is said that the acceptable lifetime length of a serial marriage is about seven to ten years. Those of you who remember Elizabeth Taylor, the actress, and stood in awe as she entered into one marriage after another now realise she was signalling the way into the future. Yet another example of the artist leading the way of lifestyle change.

Before I get too deep into the subject, let me say right now that I shall save my son from making the basic mistake that most men make when getting married for the first time. We all think that by marrying our sweetheart, the most beautiful girl in the world, who loves us; a person who does anything at all for us; who is ready and willing to make love with us at a moment’s notice; who is willing to try all sorts of new and delightful sexual “things” with us; that by marrying her we will never have to worry ever again about someone to satisfy our sexual longing and needs. Wrong!!!!!

Perhaps the truth is that once we get married the love of our lives no longer needs try so hard. (But, some wives actually do try even harder to make a success of it.) When we cross the line and enter into the marriage contract do we transfer all the power to her? The power of which I speak is the absolute control of our sex lives, and ultimately, the power to dictate whether we can continue to reside in the house that we acquired from our own efforts, and in some cases, the house that we built with our own hands.

These things a young man needs to consider before he takes the big step. To keep her involved where she has to work to keep your interest, the transfer of such power to her perhaps should be avoided at all costs. Or, maybe her power and control can be limited through a pre-nuptial contract. (These are not quite proven as yet,) Between artists this is a popular arrangement. After all, a marriage agreement is simply a contract between the two parties, (after we remove the niceties of dressing up for church and the romantic aspect). I don’t say never make the commitment, just be sure your son knows what is the reality.

Below are some of the promises we make when the man of the cloth says repeat after me:

“All my worldly goods upon thee I do endow.”
If you really won’t mind it when she walks off with said worldly goods then by all means speak loudly and clearly so that we can all hear you. These days modern man is saying “are you nuts!”

“For better or worse, for richer or for poorer.”
Worse!! Define poorer. I think most women will tell you that they fully expect at least two holidays abroad per annum for the purpose of shopping till they dropping. So, get real mister about that poorer and worse thing.

“We promise to be honest and faithful to each other, until death do us part.”
Without putting too fine a point on it in church, this generally means that both promise to take care of the other’s emotional and sexual needs until the end. One particular wife, when being reminded of this part of her vows exclaimed: “Oh sure! Throw that in my face, why don’t you!”

Perhaps it`s not marriage as an institution that is an anachronism, but merely some of the traditional vows that need re-writing for these modern times. Have your say. Marriage vows as you understand them. Fair or foul?

Future subjects: “Divorce-the driving force”; “Viagra for the elderly gentlemen.” “Are you emotionally vacant?” “Are you a gracious guest?”

E-mail your views to mailto:eugene.spain@g.mail.com and let us discuss it.




Copyright © 2006 – 2007 Eugene Carmichael

Fathers are Parents Too.

Published April 8th, 2007


God, in His, or more likely Her infinite Wisdom gave each and every child who has ever been born two parents, because it takes at least two parents to bring up a child in the way that he or she should go. The courts don’t seem to get it, and usually the bitter ex-wife certainly doesn’t get it. If you’ve disappointed her, she, in all her fury does not realise that she cannot hurt you without hurting her children. Naturally, it works the other way round, just in case you are contemplating harming her in some way. You cannot hurt her without hurting your children.

We have just entered into the realm of the dammed. This topic is huge and complex, yet at the same time it is so simple. My ex-wife broke it all down into its simplest form so that even I could understand it. This epiphany came after we had agreed to bury the hatchet, but not in each other’s backs.

This is what she said to me:

“Now look stupid, I know you think you’re something special, but in reality you are quite common. In fact, you’re as common as mud. The only thing, and I mean the ONLY thing that makes you special is that you are the biological father of two of the most precious girls to ever have been born into this miserable world. They need you, their father. I’m not sure why, but they do. So, I will not stand in their way to have access to their father. (I don’t know what the hell I ever saw in you in the first place.) So, you know where we live, get yourself round here particularly on special occasions, and several times a week and spend some quality time with your daughters.

I have a boyfriend. I’m telling you the same thing I told him. If you have a problem, Get over it! And one more thing, now that I have given you carte blanche to come and see your daughters, don’t, I repeat, DON’T you ever make me come and get you!”

To my credit I listened and took full advantage of the privilege and we were all the better off for it. When my oldest daughter asked for a set of drums for Christmas I bought them for her without consulting my ex-wife. She was not amused.

I have a deep and abiding respect for my ex-wife, who, sadly passed away due to illness at the tender age of 42. Too soon! Much too soon!

The all-too typical experience is one whereby the ex-wife poisons the minds of the children and turns them against their father. How can the children grow up to be well adjusted if they think they were born of one parent who is a swine?

Boys, in particular need careful handling through such tumultuous times. If a boy sees his father thrown out of the house, (and he won’t fully understand why) and then his mother takes up with a succession of “uncles” he may well form a very negative opinion of women in general. There may well be violence and mistrust in his dealings with women, formed because if his mother behaved like that, all women must be the same.

The common mistake and possibly deliberate misconception is that children don’t mean as much to fathers as they do to mothers. After all, so the argument goes, it was the mother who gave birth to them. Of course, so called “Dead-beat dads” do nothing to help the positive image of the family man. The truth of the matter is that there is absolutely nothing as precious or important as one’s offspring. If as men we don’t realise that when we are young, we will come to that realisation soon enough.

So fathers, if you are hamstrung by the courts and your ex from having free access to your children, sue, sue, and sue again, and keep the records intact. One day, when they out grow their mother’s influence, you will need to explain to your children why you were not there for them, and that’s when you produce the records that damn the courts and her. Your objective is not to turn them away from her, but you are facing the only jury that matters, and the verdict must go in your favour. Good luck!

Oh! There’s just one more thing. Are you sure that if you do get access to your children, will they actually want to see you?

Reader’s Concerns: Infidelity; and Does Infidelity have a legitimate role in modern Marriage?

Got a topic you want us to discuss. Care to give your input into the two above hot topics? E-mail it to eugene.spain@gmail.com




Copyright © 2006-2007 Eugene Carmichael

Men and Women in the WorkPlace

Published April 1, 2007

Men and women are so different that it is really amazing that we can get anything done together, or that we can reach agreement on any single issue. I frequently find myself in agreement with female friends, but in reviewing the debate I find that I was really thinking more like a woman than a man. To have the same discussion with a male friend, and to hold my same views results in him saying that he can’t agree with me.

And so it is in the work place. Men approach working with women completely differently than women approach the subject of working with men. (Is that the sound of giggling from women readers I hear?) I know from my own experience, of course, and I have asked women friends to help me from their own perspective.

Humans are only a small part of God’s creatures, and like all the others we are programmed to penetrate to procreate. A man reacts to visual stimuli. When a woman comes into view she will either attract us by her looks, and by the way she moves and smells, or she will leave us cold. As a rule a woman will attract a lot more men than she could possibly care about, and then it is up to her to apply her own criteria to the field to arrive at a short-list. Most women can eventually eliminate all but one, or two.

Men, on the other hand think like the lion. Monogamy is simply not in his makeup. We are supposed to react to the stimuli that turns us on and follow our instincts. Some men love the larger woman simply for her size. If she is also good in other crucial areas, like the kitchen and the bedroom, then Bingo! Other men are drawn to the thin lady, or the medium sized lady. Larger sized breasts, being as they are so visible attract perhaps the majority of men, but it is quite astounding how little time we spend on appreciating our lady’s ample chest in the course of lovemaking.

In the work place the interaction between the sexes is a challenge that needs careful management. Men, it is said think about sex about every six seconds, and each episode last for about, well, er, six seconds. When you are working with a lady co-worker every day, you notice things. You notice what she chooses to wear, and if she is mindful to wear neutral clothing for your benefit then your imagination goes to work overtime. You notice how her blouse moves to and fro across her chest. If she wears slacks you notice that she wears a thong or more conventional under wear. You notice how the cheeks of her derriere move so differently than those of men. It’s as though they have a special hinge. And what about those curves! Wow!

And then, there’s the way she smells. Oh, that perfume that is so subtle yet so powerful. Everyday she seems to mysteriously grow more beautiful. Her facial features come into sharper focus. You notice specifically that in reality her eyes alone are not particularly attractive, nor for that matter is her nose; but put together eyes nose and mouth, topped by a glorious crown of hair and the effect is stunning.

All this is going on while you are supposed to be concentrating on your work. The company could be going down the tubes but all you can focus on is her. Well, you are going to look and admire, because this is only natural. True, the workplace is an easy arena to meet a social partner, but the danger is that of mixing business with pleasure. There is the problem of bringing your social troubles to work that leads to at least one of you having to find another job.

So, the moral of the story is that of course you can look, but you also need to concentrate on your work, and above all else show respect to the women you work with, just as you respect your fellow male workers. The workplace is not a social club.

Bill Cosby, the great American comedian once said that God first made Adam, then decided he needed a partner. God then spent entirely too much time playing around with the plastecine making a suitable model for a female. Satisfied , He then ran off the first real thing, stood back and surveyed His work and exclaimed: “Whoa! Man!” And woman got her name.

Tell me about your work related experiences with women. E-mail me at mailto:Eugene.spain@g.mail.com

Let’s get networking guys!


Copyright © 2006-2007 Eugene Carmichael

Humanity in Trouble


I had the inspiration to begin this series of columns based on what I was seeing in our everyday life. Divorce, sixty-five women killed by their partners in Spain last year; physical abuse seemingly on the rise, the sexual abuse of children, the large numbers of users who download pornographic materials of children, drunkenness and the spiralling use of illegal drugs, to name just a few of the symptoms that raise the alarm that says, Humanity is in serious Trouble!

There is a lot of stuff that is taking place that the public don’t get to hear about, because it goes on behind closed doors, and is just not spoken about in public. The effects are none-the-less felt in the public domain, therefore we are all affected to varying degrees.

Take for instance the case of violence in the home. The scenario that immediately comes to mind is that of man-on-woman abuse, so we’ll go with that for the moment, although in reality there are all sorts of criss-cross violence that can take place in the home.

Let’s say that we have a case of regular abuse being suffered by a woman at the hands of her male partner. Typically, she suffers in silence and presents herself to the outside world as being a very clumsy person who goes around walking into doors and habitually falling down stairs. She is her attacker’s facilitator. She makes it possible for him to carry on his abuse, as and when he wants to.

What would happen if she warned him not to do it again after the first time, but when he did re-offend she took out a large advertisement in her local newspaper stating that she is being physically abused and beaten by her husband who seems to think that she is some kind of punching bag. What would be his options? He could strike her for doing that, (at least he would actually have a reason) or he would have to refrain if he didn’t wish to see yet another follow-up announcement. His third option would be to leave, having come to the decision that she was not co-operating. (Would that be such a bad thing?)

What disturbs me most about this type of abuse is that it tends to be sustained. We are not talking about a one-off incident of hitting, but rather that which goes on for many months or even years. What drives that type of hatred?

Then we have the situation whereby so many people feel the need to escape through drugs and drink. There are no solutions down those paths, only more problems that can be foreseen before setting off in that direction. So why go there?

There’s much to be concerned about, but the one issue that I want to focus on at the moment is that of equality for women. American women are probably the most liberated and the most accomplished in business and politics, so they provide a How-to, and a How –not-to manual for the rest of the world.

The American woman’s rise was not done in isolation. Her upwardly mobile rise required American men to get on board and support the programme. A case of, as Dr. Martin Luther King put it, “None of us are free until we are all free.” As American women gained in strength and maturity, in the best cases so did American men. Many men have been left behind, which presents one set of problems, and others who tried to keep up now find themselves struggling to deal with this very modern and capable woman.

Part of the American meltdown is that white American women now find themselves increasingly left alone. American men say these women are not candidates for marriage because their standards are too demanding and the risk is too high that the marriage will end with disastrous consequences for the man.

What’s the American woman to do? All is not lost if she can accept a life of total independence, and having a man as only an accessory, sort of like a handbag. She can have her own space and use her man for occasional company. Many in the entertainment world are doing exactly that. They don’t marry, but they do have children. They maintain their own homes and the children visit between the two.

From their point of view, it will all probably come down to that in the end anyway, so they just leave out the middle part involving anger, divorce, property settlement, custody and all sorts of other aggravation.

That may all be very well for those women who can afford it, but what about Ms. Middle America. Where does that leave her?

I am absolutely staggered by the depth of ill feeling on the part of some American men. To see what I mean you might like to go to http://www.nomarriage.com/ but be advised that you will encounter some very strongly worded sentiments.

Coming: “Is your lovely Lady a Lunatic?” Paul R. from Melbourne, Australia wants to compare.
Copyright (c) 2007 Eugene Carmichael

What do Women Want?


"The great question that has never been answered, and which I have not yet been able to answer despite my thirty years research into the feminine soul, is “ What does a woman want?” (Sigmund Freud in a letter to Marie Bonaparte.)

I don’t know what Sigi’s problem was or why such a mystery. As Sherlock Holmes said to Dr. Watson, “My Dear Watson, I would have thought it obvious.” Women want the same things that men want!

I could stop there and make this the shortest column that I have ever written, but of course, I won’t. However, that’s the bottom line, and has always been the case. The devil is in the details, as always, so let’s see if I can make a convincing case.

Men want to reach and maintain a state of happiness in our lives, and that I believe is the case with women. How do we know when we have that state of bliss? Ah! That’s the million-euro question, and that’s where things get very fuzzy. That has led many men to throw up their hands in exasperation and to declare “I don’t know what that woman wants!”

So, how are we going to define happiness, in a general sense.
- Jane Austen said “ A large income is the best recipe for happiness I ever heard of. It certainly may secure all the myrtle and turkey part of it.”
- Thomas Szasz says “Happiness is an imaginary condition, formerly often attributed by the living to the dead, now usually attributed by adults to children, and by children to adults.”
- I like the way that Francis Hutcheson put it. He said, “The action is best , which procures the greatest happiness for the greatest numbers.”

In my view, happiness is a relative condition and a moveable feast. No one can be in a state of continued happiness every day of their lives. Life is simply not like that. We have our ups and downs, our successes and our defeats. Life is replete with our daily challenges and obstacles to overcome, some as simple as where do you find a plumber when you need one, or how does one get a telephone connection in this country.

“Life also brings with it disappointments, whether we are ready for them or not. Our challenge is to accept disappointment with grace”. I have placed that sentence in quotation marks as it is my original thought, in case someone wants to quote me long after I have shuffled off the scene.

It is my belief that the things that make up the component parts of happiness are, in descending order of importance: dignity and respect; recognition and self worth; love and support of family; and security and wealth.

As a woman, it is my belief that I will not make an enemy of you if I respect you as I find you, and if I leave you with your dignity intact. No matter what it is that you do, or your station in life, the quickest way for me to become persona non-grata is to violate this rule.

Recognition of your skills, whether they are professional or personal, without patronising you, is nothing more than a courtesy that I would extend to any person, male or female. There need not be anything special involved. If you are serving at the check-out counter at Mercadona you will always get a “Muchos Gracias” from me when our transaction is done, or in the case of my wife is she has cooked dinner, a simple “Thank You” seems in order. Why not? It also works the other way round.

In the work place, as a woman employee, I would hope that your male colleagues realise that you are there to earn a living because you have bills to pay. You have a job to do, a career path to follow and responsibilities to the firm. You are not decoration, or some plaything, and if you fail to conduct yourself within the strict guidelines of the work environment, you may later find that you will have been the author of your own misfortune if things do go wrong.

The love and support of family requires not just a chapter of its own, but a book dedicated to just this one topic. There have been many such works published, as it is a very complex subject, but suffice it to say that if success comes as a result of those factors, (love and support of family) it will have been a far easier journey.

Lastly, security and wealth: I could make much of this category, or I can simply cut to the chase. Once we have the personal security of never having to worry where our next euro is going to come from we can then turn our attention to the words of Hutcheson, that the actions that are best are the ones that procure happiness, (or at least comfort) for the greatest numbers.

The two most wealthy people in the world and their families have shown the way by using billions of dollars of their own money for the welfare of the poor. The sense of inner satisfaction that comes from such selfless acts cannot really be measured in any way known to mankind.

What do women want? They want to be happy and content!

Do you have a different point of view on this topic? E-mail me at eugene.spain@gmail.com
Copyright (c) 2007 Eugene Carmichael

A Complete Betrayal (?)



The following e-mail was received:

“ I have been following your column for some time. I was hopeful that it would succeed and would have substance, which it appears to be doing. From my own viewpoint there does appear to be a need for this type of thing. I have been harbouring some thoughts that are just eating me up, but I have not had anyone with whom I would have been comfortable in discussing my problems, but in a strange sort of way, the mere fact that I have begun writing to you already feels cathartic.

“It is my understanding that you will never divulge my identity or anything that can even point in my direction. By that same token I cannot expect to make allegations specific to any named person. So, if my understanding is correct, you have my authorization to re-print this e-mail in its entirety leaving out the aforesaid personal particulars about me.

“My tale of woe began several years ago when I met the girl of my dreams. We fell in love and life was good. We set about doing the usual things that newly-wed couples with stars in their eyes do. We purchased a house by first selling the home I then owned (and was very fond of), and using the proceeds towards the purchase of our current home that was really chosen by her to please her own tastes. I’m not complaining, just pointing out my efforts to please her.

“The arrival of our two children followed in short order, and with that all the essentials seemed to be in place. It simply was left for us to maintain the status quo by getting on with our daily lives.

“I’m not sure exactly when the rot set in, (other than that it was after the birth of our second child), or even why, but gradually her ardour towards me began to cool. I don’t recall doing anything specific to bring that about, but along with the cooling was a remarkable upswing in her criticisms of me. Suddenly, it seemed that I could do very little right. I was the same old me, going along doing the usual things in my own fashion that had previously been perfectly fine with her. But no more!

“I became very self-conscious about every little thing that I did, and there came a time when I hated to go home, putting it off for as long as I could. It suddenly occurred to me one day that I hadn’t laughed in such a long time I no longer knew how. Our children were a joy to us, and they do give me pleasure, but that’s not what I mean. I found that I could not even bring myself to look at my wife, that’s how deeply I had sunk into depression. All the while I kept asking myself, what had I done. Perhaps if I could be a little more this way or that way we could dig our way out of this sinkhole that was swallowing up our marriage and our lives. Nothing works anymore, and I fear that we are doomed.

“But the thing that distresses me most is, and I know how selfish this sounds, but for God’s sake, I have needs, and my wife doesn’t give a damn about me, yet she fully expects me to carry on with my obligations to herself and the family. I feel so completely betrayed by what was once the very sunshine in my life.

“How can things go so wrong? Am I the only person to experience this sort of turn of events without some clear indication of what I have done to bring it about?

“If any of your readers have any suggestions or opinions, or even their own personal experiences to go by, I would be most grateful.”

Response sent by return of e-mail:

“Thank you for sharing with us, and for your trust. I have to say that this column is not intended to be a substitute for professional counselling, and what I’m hearing is that you have a marriage worth saving, and that the intervention of professional counselling would be advisable. What appears to be a complete betrayal may be tempered by other factors, such as possibly post-partum depression in your wife. You can all benefit from professional help, sooner, rather than later.

It is highly unlikely that you are alone in your problem, and I am certain many readers could help with their own anecdotal accounts because they have been there and done that.
We’ll put the matter on the table and see what develops, and you will not have to wait for a response to be published.”

So, here’s hoping that you, our readers would like to offer some assistance, not expecting to solve the problem, but at least to offer discussion so that the good gentleman and his family know that their’s is not necessarily a unique situation, and others have benefited by having pursued certain actions.

Please e-mail me at eugene.spain@gmail.com
Copyright (c) 2007 Eugene Carmichael