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Sunday, August 26, 2007

Who Giveth this Man?




The trouble with Custom and Tradition is that we continue to make the same mistakes over and over again without anyone even questioning whether it is right or wrong. We simply go along with the crowd. When the occasional person comes along and wants to do things differently, we all say in unison, “You can’t do that. It goes against Tradition!”

This is really more about the tradition of expecting the bride to change her surname, rather than the act of someone, usually her father, “giving” his daughter to another.

It was only until I came here to Spain that I began to notice the things that are different between this culture and the one that I am accustomed to. Most notably is the custom whereby in marriage the bride does not take the surname of the groom.

I once attended a wedding in my country in which the bride kept her name intact. She did not change her surname to his, nor did she add his surname to hers. It was topic A, while we drank their champagne and ate their cake. We huddled in little bands and predicted that this one would surely not last. She won’t even take his name. She is definitely not committed.

Let’s consider for a minute what would be involved if we men changed our surname when we wed. I know, it’s ridiculous, but humour me, please.

So, let’s see, we have gone through the ceremony and now we sign the wedding register with our brand-new surname. First we have to get used to responding to being called Mr. Something else than what we have known all our lives, up until this point. Secondly, we have to remember to sign correctly, and perhaps get used to the spelling.

Now comes the hard part: Where do we start to change our name on all those legal documents. I suppose we might go along to the bank with a copy of our marriage certificate and change our name on all of our bank accounts, including investments, mortgages, safety deposit account, cheques, credit and debit cards, etc. Have you ever tried to simply change your address on all of your accounts at the bank? I moved three years ago and for some obscure reason I had to write to the managing director to get the various departments to make the change. Periodically the address on one or another of my accounts will revert to the original.

Got life insurance, or insurance on this and that? Those are legal documents and they all have to be changed. Don’t forget your driving license. Be sure to set aside the day that is necessary to deal with Trafico.

Don’t forget the Post office, the utilities, your voter registration, your medical records, and last, but certainly not least, your Will.

Probably the easiest part is to get friends and family to use your new surname, if they remember what it is or can properly spell it. Then you have to get your employer to change all his records; all your charge accounts have to be changed. Man! This is hard work! Is it really necessary?

Where does this practice come from? In patriarchal societies it was a form of branding. This is my wife, my chattel. It has been sustained through common usage for the sake of uniformity. In my country all people named Carmichael are identified as one family. It has also been used to get rid of an unfortunate surname. I once knew a young girl by the name of Susan Death. It was pronounced Dee-ath, but that didn’t fool too many people. She couldn’t wait to get married to get rid of that last name.

After you’ve done all that, there is the disturbing prospect of becoming one of the unhappy statistics joining the divorce march. Can you imagine? No wonder women get so mad at their former partners. I would be mad too!

Then we have the ancient practise of the giving away of the bride to the groom. I do not take a hard and firm position on this, although it does seem to be a little outdated in these modern times. However, families seem to feel that there is an integral place for this involvement, and there are sometimes nice little twists like both parents giving the bride away, or both sets of parents giving their offspring to their chosen life partners.

I suppose it can be said that it does underscore the milestone when children cross over the line definitely into a life of their own. However, when both bride and groom are presented to each other would seem to be a little more politically correct and in tune with modern times.



Copyright © 2007 Eugene Carmichael

Sunday, August 19, 2007

CHRONICLES OF RAPE-SURVIVOR'S STORIES





What I have Learned (VI)

The premise: That no man of good conscience would willingly and recklessly force himself upon another person for reasons of sex, power or control. This series is intended to raise awareness and sensitivity.

From responses received from rape survivors and from other related readings, and from personal interviews conducted with persons who hold strong views, I have learned the following things, among others:

Rape, when deliberately committed, is the most heinous of crimes against a person.

That the vast majority of rapes that occur could have been/can be prevented. I want to be careful not to give the impression of blaming the victim. Rape can never be justified under any circumstances. However, the first person responsible for personal safety is the individual. Date rape, in many cases could have been avoided by simply not inviting the date in “for coffee.” If however, you would really like to do that as a gracious social thing, lay down the ground rules outside the door. You also have to know whether he can be trusted to act accordingly. Silence is too easy to be misinterpreted, and she can be sure that he is thinking about sex.
Travelling in pairs reduces the chance of a woman on her own being stalked and attacked.

Many women have no real concept of how a man is wired. To our own annoyance sex is always on our minds. Comparison with the animal kingdom would place man alongside the lion. We would be perfectly happy leading that sort of existence. Therefore, we need clear signals and help from women. You need to know that a man is never happy with “just a cuddle.”

The vast majority of men are truly decent people who would not hurt a woman. Even in the face of flagrant temptation we are able to exercise self-control. Also, most decent men despise the rapist as a weakling and a disgrace to our side.

Women who frequent discos are at high risk. Trust No One! Better to have a (soft) drink from a bottle that you hold in your hand at all times, and if you have to leave it for a bathroom break, start with a fresh one on your return. There are predators about and you relax your vigilance at your own peril. Drinking alcohol is the first thing that you perhaps should not do in such settings.
A woman has the absolute right to dress as she pleases within the legal definition of decency. However, to dress to provoke a stalker is hardly in your interest. Use common sense.

A man is in a much better position if he can successfully invite his date to his apartment, preferably with her overnight bag. This shows intent on her part, and his, and gives clear signals to both.

Men have to know that there is a class of female that is hostile to us, or at least who have a very low threshold of tolerance. Beware! Make very sure that your attention is welcome and appreciated. Take nothing for granted!

Men must also be aware that some women will purposely be vague, and then turn manipulative when he is at his most vulnerable.

Men must learn that the word NO! or STOP means just that. Take it at face value without trying to interpret it to mean something else.

A manufacturer has come up with something for women in doubtful situations. It’s called Rapex, the anti-rape condom, the most diabolical thing I’ve ever heard of, but it may just be what you need.

There is practically no substitute in life for a warm and loving relationship between two people. When I hear someone say of another that I love him or her more today, after 50 years together than when we first met, I get a very mushy feeling of envy for them. .

However, it takes all kinds of people to populate our world, and some of them are not very nice. It’s all a matter of a delicate balance of beauty and ugliness, kindness versus unkindness, caring and selfishness, tenderness and brutality, and of people who can be trusted absolutely versus those who can’t.

As a female you are one of God’s most special creations. You are marvellous to be with, and you fulfil the pivotal role of propagating the species, (after we men have done our little bit). Your security is a matter of constant concern, so perhaps you should take the advice of one of my contributors and have your home security assessed by a professional. You are entitled to be safe and secure at least in your own home.

Copyright © 2007 Eugene Carmichael

Sunday, August 12, 2007

CHRONICLES OF RAPE-SURVIVOR'S STORIES




Men Against Rape (V)

The premise: That no man of good conscience would willingly and recklessly force himself upon another person for reasons of sex, power or control. This series is intended to raise awareness and sensitivity.


Without the need for poll taking it can be said that the vast majority of men are of good conscience that fit the above description. We regard our role, when interacting with women to be one of respect, and if necessary that of protector.

We acknowledge that males commit most of the serious crimes against property and persons. Most violence is male driven, and wars are generally the initiative of men. That does not mean that women are totally exempt.

Specifically, with regard to rape, the law defines the term as the penetration of another’s bodily orifice without consent, and that normally is a male driven action. However, in these modern times some interesting variations on that theme are turning up. We are beginning to hear of rich and powerful women who are turning the tables on the men whom they control. Such men may be employees, or even husbands who made the mistake of marrying her for her money.

If such a woman coerces sex on demand and causes a man to perform as a trained seal, can it be rape? In my opinion, most probably not, in a legal sense as it lacks the penetration criteria, but sexual harassment most probably would be a better description.

Decent men are very careful in their intimate relations with their partners. We cannot imagine anything so revolting as to have one’s very humanity violently taken. We wouldn’t very much like it were it to happen to us, and so the thought of doing it to someone else is quite simply repugnant.

We also have our mothers, daughters, and all other female relations to think about. We can’t go about abusing other people’s female relatives without expecting that the same could happen to ours. This is the doctrine of fairness at work. “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.”

From a self-preservation standpoint, we should wish for a world without rape, because where there are actual rapes occurring, there will also be incidents of false claims of rape. To be a man so accused is to be caught in an absolute nightmare situation. Effectively, your life as you knew it, is over. You can never have it back, even if you can prove that the thing of which you stand charged simply never happened.

In the United States of America there is the on-going case of three students of Duke University, of Raleigh, North Carolina, who were accused by an “exotic dancer” of having participated in raping her at a party at a home where she was hired to dance.

It may be that some sexual activity took place there, but in trying to determine whom her attackers were she pointed out three individuals who evidence indicates were not even there at the time of the alleged rape. For over a year they were named and shamed, while her identity was kept secret. Finally, the justice system declared that not only were they “Not Guilty” but that they were absolutely Innocent. Charges against them should never have been brought in the first place. However, for many people, that is not good enough to redeem their good names. They still believe the accusation, because that is what they want to believe.

When a woman vindictively, deliberately and falsely brings a charge of rape, she will certainly make trouble for her victim, but she also does her entire sisterhood a grave disservice. Unfortunately there have been far too many incidents of just such behaviour, and it is this that puts the real victim of rape through such a tortuous process.

There is a remedy open to men who have been falsely accused. They have the right upon discharge from the case to sue their accuser for damages. Even in conservative societies actual damages will be substantial. In the United States they have something that is called “Punitive Damages” that can be added to the assessment for actual damages, and are intended as pure punishment for having acted so recklessly in the first place.

For men against rape, this is quite simply a moral issue. It falls on the wrong side of the ledger, alongside such things as robbery, housebreaking, theft, murder, and offences against children. These are legally and morally wrong. Even if we could do these things and get away with our crimes, we would have to live with our conscience, and that would be, quite simply, unacceptable.

So, if you commit the crime of deliberate, intentional or reckless rape, you must leave the fraternity of decent men forever. You are a weakling, a loser and an embarrassment to the male gender and an outcast. No decent man may fraternize with you ever again, for we are known by our friends.

Finally, rape is no way to treat a lady!

Next: What have we learned?

Copyright © 2007 Eugene Carmichael

Sunday, August 5, 2007

CHRONICLES OF RAPE-SURVIVOR'S STORIES










Two Victims-Different Responses (IV of VI)

The premise: That no man of good conscience would willingly and recklessly force himself upon another person for the reason of sex, power or control. This series is intended to raise awareness and sensitivity.

Survivor A.

She had been in a long-term relationship with her boyfriend who she describes as being her perfect man. He was loving and caring and sensitive to her needs. When she had struggled to turn her life in a new direction he was there with both moral and financial support.

She thought that they knew each other intimately and well. Whenever he wanted her she was always there for him to give of herself willingly and joyfully. She loved him completely.

On this particular day she was feeling distressed and depressed by worrisome problems, so when he made his familiar overtures she felt she could not give of her best, so she said that she was just not in the mood. It was better left for another time. He persisted, and on learning that there was no physical barrier became ever more persistent.

She became annoyed that he was acting so much out of character and it escalated to the point of a struggle, and then a fight with him declaring, “Never say no to me!”

He took her against her will, and in doing so he crossed the line.

She preferred charges of forcible rape, and stood fast in her evidence. He was convicted and sentenced to a modest term of imprisonment.

As a result of the unprotected nature of the event she became pregnant, gave birth to her son, and went on to raise him as a single parent.

She was outspoken about her outrage, and soon discovered that there were countless silent sufferers in her small community. She discovered that there was a culture of male dominance over women whereby men held the right of expectation of submission at all times. She established a woman’s support centre that dedicated itself in turning around attitudes. It has grown in size and importance and has become a permanent aspect of life.

Survivor B

This is an unusual case in that it involves the mother of the young woman who was savagely abducted and raped by a stranger, albeit, a man from the same town. The case took on national attention as it progressed through the stages.

The young girl had to submit to further humiliation in the collection of evidence through close examination. At every moment her mother was there, never leaving her side, trying her best to console her daughter.

She then had to go through the terrifying ordeal of actually identifying her attacker, and fearing that he would try and get to her and kill her. Her mother kept her close, went everywhere with her, never left her for a moment.

Her mother was there to watch her daughter’s shame as she gave evidence to a room of strangers about the most personal aspects of her life. She was so young to be put through such a mental rape and torture, but she held up and was determined to tell the whole truth.

The facts spoke for themselves and the man was convicted of rape and sent to prison. He had the opportunity to express remorse for what he had done, but chose not to do so. Her mother was there to hug and comfort her daughter, and every day while he served his sentence her mother did her best to help her broken daughter heal.

The years went by but the family remained in their small town where it was common knowledge what had happened. The girl had to complete her education in the full glare of the student body’s attitude. She was at best a curiosity; at worst she was someone to tease. Her mother was always there for her with a shoulder to cry on.

Suddenly, the horrific news was received that the rapist was being discharged from prison early, having earned a discount for good behaviour. He chose to come back to the same village, the place of his birth.

It was while he was having a drink one night in the local bar that the girl’s mother walked in and poured flammable liquid over him and set him alight. A few weeks later he died of his burns suffered over ninety percent of his body.

The daughter has said that her mother considered that the action she took restored her own daughter’s pride and that of the entire family. She did not want them to live forever as victims, and that the penalty that the courts imposed would be worn by her mother as a badge of honour.

Next: Men Against Rape.

Copyright © 2007 Eugene Carmichael