List of Previous Titles

Sunday, July 29, 2007

RAPE WITHIN MARRIAGE ( Part III of VI)







Chronicles of Rape-Survivor’s Stories


Premise: No man of good conscience would willingly and recklessly force himself upon another person for reasons of sex, power or control. This series is intended to raise awareness and sensitivity.

Under U.K. law, prior to 1991 it was impossible for a man to be charged with raping or sexually assaulting his wife. “The Law Made Simple” published by Chaucer Press, 1981 stated that “A husband cannot rape his wife unless the parties are separated or the court has by injunction forbidden him to interfere with his wife, or he has given an undertaking in court not to interfere with her.”

Supposedly, the mutual vows made upon entering into marriage, which is a contract between the parties, required of each to be responsible for the other’s sexual well-being, among other things. Evidently this assumption came to be deemed too broad and incompatible within the definition of rape.

Wikipedia on-line dictionary describes rape this way: “In most jurisdictions the crime of rape is defined to occur when sexual intercourse takes place (or is attempted) without the valid consent of one of the parties involved. It is frequently defined as penetration of the anus or vagina by a penis. In some jurisdictions the offence is completed by the penetration of fingers or other objects.”

Rape is a minefield around or through which every man must tread very carefully throughout our entire lives. Firstly, men and women view so many things totally differently. It’s the Mars and Venus syndrome. In this aspect a man might have the impression that what took place was simply passion. She might see it as the violation of her body.

In one stunning case I recall from many years ago a man was found guilty and sent to prison without the woman ever once having said No! or Stop! Or I don’t want to do this! It was judged to be a crime of rape through coercion, and he should have known that it was so.

Rape within marriage between cohabiting partners can occur just as under any other circumstance. The wife must always give her consent through words or deeds so that there can be no misunderstanding. Even if it is Thursday, the day of the week set aside for sexual conjugation, and it normally happens like clockwork. She has to give her husband a clear signal that this Thursday is no different.

There does not have to be evil intent for rape to occur. There only has to be consent withheld, deliberately not given, or a demand for the man to stop, go no further.

Even something as simple as the kiss can violate a woman’s space. For a man to boldly take the initiative and plant one on her as they do in the movies, could greatly offend. Done properly, the man approaches within an inch and stops. If she is agreeable she will close the gap.

Without putting too fine a point on it, there are many seemingly functioning marriages where the couple have no sexual contact at all, but not by mutual agreement. It could be that either one has given up that part of the relationship out of disinterest. That leaves the other in a rather bad place. I suspect that in most cases it’s the male who is left to ponder his position.

For some men who can afford it, they will take a mistress. This is a solution that is really another problem in the making. It could become the basis of a divorce action brought by the wife, or she may be content to live with it in the realization that she has everything else that she needs, and is excused from that tedious duty.

Probably the most common recourse is to use the service of prostitutes as once the deed is done and paid for there are (hopefully) no further complications. Just do not register with an “escort service” using your own name, or pay for services rendered with a credit card.

What we must never do is turn to our wives who are lying next to us in bed and demand that she do her duty. That is one of the principal scenarios that the change in the law seeks to address. Every woman is guaranteed control over her own body at all times.

A perfect example of that guarantee is that of the prostitute who has taken money to perform a service. Should she wish to change her mind in the act and requires her customer to cease and desist, he must do so immediately. She must return all his money as she will not have fulfilled the contract, but the law will uphold her right to assert her “Stop” order.

Next: Two Victims-Different Responses.

Copyright © 2007 Eugene Carmichael

Saturday, July 21, 2007

Rape by Stranger











Chronicles of Rape-Survivor’s Stories


(Part II of VI)

The premise: No man of good conscience would willingly and recklessly force himself upon another person for reasons of sex, power or control. This series is intended to raise awareness and sensitivity.

(I have been asked to present these two accounts verbatim. I have materially done that).

At Home:

“I live alone as a single woman. I was always careful for my security. During the day my doors remained locked, whether I was in or out, and at night my curtains and shutters remained closed.

“On that particular night I went to bed as usual, but about 1:30am I was awakened not by sound, but rather by a bad feeling and the smell of garlic. Before I could gather my senses he pounced upon me and clamped a hand over my mouth. “Be still and don’t make a sound or I will kill you!” he whispered.

“Later the police explained how he had gained entry to my house, but I don’t want to describe the method here, lest I give others ideas. However, anyone who is concerned for their security should request an assessment of your situation from a professional as a priority, especially women living alone.

“ From the moment he fell on me my entire body went limp and icy cold. I simply accepted that this was the end, my life would be over in a moment. What a shame I had to suffer the ultimate in degradation before the end came. No point in fighting it. The beast on top of me would have his way and then he would snap my neck and no more pain and suffering.

“I then had an out of body experience as the violation took place, not really feeling anything except my body jerking, being pushed and pulled. However, his breath smelled of stale garlic that caused me to projectile vomit over him. Later, this would prove to be important.

“Suddenly it was over and he made ready to go. I actually called out weakly from the bed, “please don’t go. Please don’t leave me like this. Finish it! Please, kill me. Please!”

“The real horror I experience every day. I have died at least a thousand times. There are times when I curl up in a ball and cry so hard while holding a kitchen knife. I constantly demand an answer from God as to Why Me? How could You let him do that to Me?

The smell of garlic sets off in me the most distressing panic attack.”

In the Park during daylight:

“I adored the outdoors. To take long walks in the forest and the mountains was my favourite pastime. Perhaps my mistake was my predictability, or maybe it was just by chance. On that fine autumn day the unthinkable happened and I was not even remotely prepared.

“ I was out early and in my stride, looking for new birds to spot when through my binoculars I spotted a man who evidently was taking notice of me. And then a movement to my left revealed a second man, and he was laughing.

“Instantly I knew I was in trouble. Why the hell had I come up here on my own and without my mobile phone? I didn’t want to be bothered by anyone, of course. Well, they were coming for me and I panicked. I thought I knew the area, but in my fright I became disoriented and quite lost. They on the other hand, seemed to be having a great time toying with me. I was the prey and they were the hunters.

“I ran as fast as I could go, and I fell many times, and eventually they caught up with me. For what must have been more than three hours they took turns, having stripped me of my clothes and laid me out on a large boulder with my arms and legs tied. I was kidnapped and raped repeatedly, and when they became bored they asked me how would I like for them to kill me.

“The only reason I survived is the sudden appearance of the forest ranger helicopter on routine patrol. The sight that greeted them set off in motion one of the biggest manhunts that my country has ever seen. They were tried and convicted and sentenced to prison for the rest of their natural lives – no chance of parole.

“I too am serving a life sentence. I cannot leave my house except in the company of others. I have grown fat due to the lack of exercise. There has not been a day that has passed without me re-living the experience over and over again.

“How do I make it stop?”


Next: “Rape within Marriage.”


Copyright © 2007 Eugene Carmichael

Sunday, July 15, 2007

Date Rape!










Chronicles of Rape-Survivor’s Stories (Part One of Six)


The premise: No man of good conscience would willingly and recklessly force himself upon another person for reasons of sex, power or control. This series is intended to raise awareness and sensitivity.

The conventional wisdom is that we should be careful what we wish or ask for. Prior to the first part of this series I asked that rape survivors might like to write to me to help me understand what the experience was like. I though that perhaps, by coming to understand what a rape victim felt and thought in the build up to the act, and during the violation itself, and what lingers long after, I might be able to give pause to a future would-be rapist, because he would understand his actions better.

Well, thank you! You did write to me, and I read every submission, some twice or more times, and I kept reading even when I thought that I can’t possibly get through another graphic description of an abomination. At times I had to pause to take a walk. Perhaps you were not all able to get the full depth of your thoughts down on paper, but don’t worry; the hurt came through loud and clear.

In summary, so far I have learned the following, among other things:
- Not every rape is committed by someone who has malice aforethought;
- Not every rapist is even aware that he has committed what the other person considers an act of rape;
- Owning to a change in the law, we find that in the privacy of the matrimonial bedroom, a husband might find himself charged by his wife with rape;
- That acts of rape take place in same-sex circumstances, and alarmingly so in woman-on-woman situations, but that no-one in authority seems to take these seriously;
- That our culture is changing to such a degree that rape is one of the easiest offences for a man to commit unwittingly. It is also one of the most difficult for which to get a conviction.

I promised that I would go to great lengths to protect your identities, but this is actually made easy as a lot of the circumstances are so similar, so I will group experiences together.

Hollywood created the image of the strong male character who sweeps the woman off her feet, not taking “no” for an answer. Forget that! “No!” means just that. It doesn’t mean “maybe, or possibly, or come on, persuade me some more”. No means stop what you are doing now and back off. Perhaps it’s not intended as a permanent stop, and if it's not she will let you know, but when you hear it you continue on at your peril.

The Date Rape!

These situations occurred after the couples had spent a pleasant evening out for dinner, or theatre, etc. In a case or two it was a first date, but in others the couples were familiar to one another. In the usual scene that marks the end of the evening some petting may take place. This often leads to sexual activity if both people wish it, but in many cases it leads to awkwardness because he wants to take it all the way, and she is not comfortable in doing that.

“I really did like him. In many ways I thought that he was the perfect gentleman, and in reality making love with him was a beautiful thought (or beautiful and enjoyable experience), but tonight it was not right or a comfortable thing for me to do. I tried to explain that to him, and at first he seemed to understand, although I realised he desperately wanted me.

“He kept insisting and putting his hands where I did not want them placed. I was rapidly becoming angry and alarmed that my perfect gentleman was turning into a pig. I lost my sense of humour and pushed him away, and that is when he became violent and made his intentions perfectly clear.

“Oh, Dear God, No! Don’t let him do this. Please let me keep my dignity. He’s threatening to kill me, and his breath is so foul, and the look in his eyes so ferocious, I believe that he will kill me anyway. Dear Lord, what have I done to deserve this? How can this man have turned into such a beast? He’s tearing away my clothes. I wish I were dead!

“Oh! God! This is awful! Make him stop! Get off me, you bastard! You Pig! Pig! PIG!

“And now, he’s gone, but not before saying how sorry he is. He doesn’t know what came over him. Here I am, all crumpled, ashamed, angry, disgusted, completely violated, in mind and body, and above all, I feel so degraded and dirty. (I wasn’t a virgin, but consensual sexual relations are a whole world apart from this). How dare he do this to me? I am a human being, with feelings, goddammit! I will not be treated this way! Give me a knife and I would cut off his genitals.”

Next in the series: (Rape II) Stranger Rape.


Copyright © 2007 Eugene Carmichael

Thursday, July 12, 2007

Important Aviso!


Starting Sunday, July 15th, the very important Chronicles of Rape, a six-part series based on rape survivor experiences. Hopefully these very intimate and painful accounts will give women pause to consider their own circumstances, and to thereby avoid the rape entrapment enviornment.
As for men, it is my hope that you never inadvertantly fall into the role of rapist, (which apparently happens all too frequently) and certainly never deliberately strip another person of their humanity. There is no excuse under the sun adequate to cover this, the most heinous crime under the sun.
I hope you will read through all six episodes, and that you will also tell a friend.
Thank You!
Eugene

Saturday, July 7, 2007

Is There a place in modern day Marriage for infidelity. A reader Responds!


Published on the 7/7/07- A good luck day, if you believe, or not, if you don't. Let there be true love in your life, and may you never have a reason to say "I'm Sorry!"


“ No! There is never a legitimate place for infidelity, not under any circumstances. I understand that some people have so-called open marriages, just like the holes in their heads, but that is not the same thing as being unfaithful.

“In such cases the parties agree, for reasons best known to themselves to live together while at the same time going out to seek other sexual partners, or even bringing them home to be shared.

“I’m not concerned with the life choices of adults in general, I’m only concerned with the question of having entered into a marriage, in good faith with a partner, and having made each other certain promises, among them to hold one another exclusive to the other, through the good times and the bad, in sickness and in health, for better or for worse, or for richer or for poorer circumstances.

“ My own marriage was one that was consecrated and blessed in a Christian church before God and our families as witnesses. I truly loved the man that I married. On that day I tingled with joy and delight. As I saw it, I was entering into a life partnership with another human being who had been so adoring and considerate to me, and I to him, that we had the perfect beginning to our life together.

“ I was to be a stay-at-home wife, homemaker, mother, nurturer. For the first eight years or so, we lived the dream, the fairytale life of a house in the suburbs, two children, a boy and a girl. I had the PTA and community work, and a husband who was steady and reliable. Our marriage ran like a Swiss timepiece, including that we deliberately made time for ourselves. We talked about his work and about politics, of which he was passionate.

“When the first signs appear that something is wrong they are probably always small, and they tend to be explained away as tiredness or stress. Perhaps something as simple as a kiss not given upon arriving home, as is the usual custom.

“Months before my husband had joined a local constituency to work on behalf of our political party. Our well ordered life’s routine was now being interrupted by nights out for meetings and canvassing on the doorstep. We still talked about the issues. If anything he became even more passionate about politics, but there was a certain distance between us that wasn’t there before. And there was something else. Our love lives took on an added element. I didn’t know what it was at the time, but later I came to realize it was guilt compensation. My perfect husband was having a perfect affair with one of his political fellow workers.

“The main problem with infidelity is the hurt of betrayal and deception. It is the loss of that all-important element of trust. Once trust is gone the relationship can never again be the same. Even long after the partner has seen the error of his ways and pledges never to stray again, you will never believe another word that he, or she says. How can you? You heard The Promise before, and under very sober and sombre circumstances and it was broken anyway.

“Acceptance of the truth comes hard. Looking back, I think a comparison with being diagnosed with a terminal illness would be accurate. First, Denial! No, this is not happening, you try to convince yourself. Then, Anger! How dare he do this to me! Things get thrown, curses galore get spoken, and entirely too much alcohol gets drunk.
Then come the tears of hurt at the sense of loss and disappointment, and the sheer sense of betrayal that your partner would do something of this nature to disrespect not only you personally, but that he holds the marriage and your children in such contempt!

“Above all, the duplicity is so staggering. This is the same man who sits at the dinner table and looked me straight in my eyes, and who smiled at me, and who professed to love me and our children. Every time he announced that he was going out for a meeting my stomach scrunched in a tight ball. I’m sure that he did a lot of political work, but in my mind all I saw was the two of them going off into some convenient love nest.

“Yes, I am bitter. My marriage has been invaded and my heart has been broken, and here I remain trapped, because I will not have my children grow up in a broken home. But mark my words, one day accounts will be due and payable in full!

Copyright© 2007 Eugene Carmichael

Sunday, July 1, 2007

What it means to be a Father



Does the mother of your children know what it means to you to be the father of her children? She will be able to assume a lot by your actions, in fact your actions will say much more than your words, but have you ever put into words for her your deepest feelings about fulfilling the most important role in your life?

Most men have never done this. It is not considered necessary. Two e-mails were received on this same interesting topic. The writers’ fears are that unless we say out loud what it means to us, inevitably mis-conceptions creep in.

Father (A) says that his circumstances are that he and his family came to Spain from their home in England many years ago, principally for his health. He has never been able to find work in his field here in Spain, and that has meant that he is a house-husband. He has assumed the role of homemaker, and partly to ease his sense of guilt and to bolster his ego he prides himself on doing a really good job of it.

He is now at the point where he would not like to trade his role for anything. Meanwhile, relieved of the normal responsibilities of motherhood, his wife’s career has taken off and she has moved up the corporate ladder to realise her full potential.

He wrote, “it occurred to me just recently, after reading your essay, “Fathers are Parents Too” that I have never said to my wife in so many words what it means to me to do the many things that are necessary in support of the children.” He is sure that he is one of the very privileged to be so close to the kids because of circumstances. Many men don’t even get the opportunity to know their children.

For him, being father to his children is his very reason for living. Take away that and he would have to completely reinvent himself. The fact that he gets to fill some of their mother’s duties as well is a wonderful bonus.

The circumstances of Father (B) are in line with those of most men. He is concerned that just making both ends meet are taking up too much of his day to the extent that he rarely gets to see his children. He is pleased that he is able to provide for them. He describes his family as upper middle-class, and he is proud of the fact that his wife does not have to go out to work.

Lately, it has been nagging him that he does not know his children. They are growing up without him. He is missing so much of their development because his life is completely taken up with earning money. He thinks that his family appreciates having the comfort and nice things that his money can buy, but people keep saying that he works too hard.

This man is facing the age old problem of having to put too much effort into providing for the family with no time left over for him to give of the one thing they may want the most, and that is his very own personal involvement.

I was one such person in that I worked long and hard hours, and was hardly ever there for my son. I only got a glimpse of him in the morning before setting off for the day. At night by the time I got home he was asleep in bed. Sensibly, my wife worked part-time so as to be there for him after school. I thought this meant that he was growing up well adjusted. On Saturdays, when he had some kind of game, I would be sure to be there, but after that I went to the office.

I finally came to the realisation that I had dug a hole for myself, and that it was quite deep enough. I announced that I would be getting out of the hole and that I would take early retirement so that we all could spend some real quality time together. And that is when my eight-year old son told me of his feelings and his relief about my decision. It seems that he had been judging me by what his mates had said about the time they spent with their dads, and I fell well short.

So now that I am retired I get to cook and chauffer for my son, and I occasionally stop to smell the flowers. I have time to observe his growth and to be involved. Children grow up entirely too fast and then, they’re off to live their own lives.

When we come to the end of our own lives no one ever elected to have posted on their headstone “ I regret not having spent more time at the office.”

Copyright © 2007 Eugene Carmichael